In 1993, I suffered a nervous breakdown which frightened me and my family. I had no idea what I was doing. I felt as if I was in another universe that was not real. I had trouble sleeping, had racing thoughts going through my head, heard voices, had gradiose notions, and talked rapidly. When my parents realized that I might have a mental illness like my mother had, my father called Dr. Nass and told him all about my symptoms. Shortly thereafter, Dr. Nass told us to come and see him. The doctor took one look at me and diagnosed me with manic depression/bipolar disorder.
In 1993, I had my first manic attack. The first time this happened frightened my family, yet in my mind, I was on top of the world. It started with Al, the boy that I had an infatuation with during college. I could not get him out of my mind. I heard a variety of voices in my head, but none of them were so powerful as those I heard about Al. I thought these voices were real, so I listened to them. I told my friends that Al was my boyfriend, when in reality he was not. When I volunteered at Forest Hills Community House, a senior citizen center, I met an elderly woman who I thought was Al's grandmother, and a young woman who I believed was his sister. Once when the community house took the senior citizens to Flushing Meadows Corona Park to visit a museum, another racing thought about Al came to my mind. In this thought, I believed I was getting married to him and having his five children. When I told these things to my friend, she told me that Al did not have a sister and that I was not going to be married to him because he did not feel the same way. Can you imagine what my friends thought of me?
After this I continued to see my therapist at the Advanced Center for Psychotherapy. She helped me come to terms with my illness, let go of Al, and solve many of the problems that I had with my family. However, I was still unhappy. I had problems building relationships, which posed difficulties in my romantic endeavors. I often talked with my therapist about this and she said to me, "When it is right, you will know". At that time, I did not want someone with a mental illness, since there was enough of it in my family. I knew that there was a lot of stigma towards the mentally ill and I took a risk when I told friends that I suffered from bipolar disorder. Everytime I dated someone new, I felt I should be honest with them. However, once I said something about my mental illness, they would run away from me and would not care about the other good qualities I had. This made me realize how much stigma there is in the world.
I became very fearful of the outside world because I did not know how others would respond to me. You are often judged by your illness rather than as a person who has an illness. Soon I realized that I may have to look for someone to be with who suffered from a mental illness. My therapist said it would be easier so I would not have to worry about the stigma when it came to dating a person with mental illness, and that there would be understanding and communication, since we shared the same pain, strife, and sense of emotional disconnection with others.
I realized I need help and support if I was ever going to make a full recovery. I needed to do things productive with my life like getting and keeping a job. My therapist recommended that I go to VESID for assistance. They recommended that I attend a supported employment program. One of them was Transitional Services of New York. This program helped me a lot. The vocational counselor assigned me to a job coach and a job developer. The job coach assisted me with my resume and interviewing skills. The job developer helped me by looking into job leads so she could explain to the employer what the agency was all about. This helped me because the employer then knew I had a disability, but was willing to work with my job coach so I could keep the job. I believed that this agency started my journey of recovery in the workplace.
As you have read, you can see that my mental health has been tested over and over during my recovery from mental illness. Recovery is a long process and a person's recovery is different for everyone. So, if you have a mental illness, I will ask you, "What does recovery mean to you?"
Ms Katz may be reached at her website: www.surviving-mental-illness.com |
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