Wrong Time Born
The message here is to be aware that no matter what the circumstances, everyone needs some approval of some kind. Say something nice no matter how small. It will matter for a lifetime. There are times when a word, or smile or a hug makes a lifetime of difference.
Her parents were not ready to have a child. The marriage was shakey from the start and even though the Man loved his wife, he was not ready for commitment, but compelled to follow the rules. It was what people did in those days. There was a war, life was tricky and short and nothing was for sure. People were trying to make the most of each moment and starting a family was one of the things you did regardless of the personal urge to be free. The Mother was not ready to be a mother, and she knew how she wanted things in her life; nothing else was acceptable. If she had to live with something she did not choose, she let every one know she was doing so under pressure. So when the 'accidental' baby turned out to be an active, loud, intelligent, girl instead of the smart little boy they had planned on the first 'sideways' action was to give the baby girl the name they had in mind for the boy they-thought-they-were having. Serves her right, the mother thought, she was supposed to be a boy.
The girl child was never really neglected, she always had food and clothing and if there was a problem it was tended to. But she was never held, talked to, never smiled at and played with, and never once in her entire life did the Mother say anything nice to the girl, or about her. Mother was always there for the girl, but only because she had to be, because she was the Mom. As a child the girl was put into her bed at 7pm no matter the time of year and forced to stay there. If she made noise or acted like she needed something she was sat in a small, handmade chair in a corner and shown the belt if she moved or made noise. Needless to say the belt was used more times than it should have been.
The child was also pawned off on relatives as often as possible, and the odd part is everyone's view of the child was based totally on her mother's attitude, nothing the child ever did. They did not mistreat her but they took out their resentment of the child being dumped on them so often. They learned from the mother to simply not say much to the child, or go out of their way to include her in the family events, or listen to what she had to say. It was all a very subtle undercurrent, but the actions affected the child in ways that would take years to surface.
Luckily the child was strong, highly intelligent, opinionated, self sufficient and able to handle most things that came along. If it was beyond her ability she never hesitated to ask for help or an explanation. It was almost a good situation for her, being expected to keep busy and not do anything wrong or bother anyone. It was her nature to be on her own, and at the age of 4 and 5 this child had experiences that involved wandering around a tiny town by herself. The Mother was called by people in town to inform her where the child was, but no one ever came after her. She was simply told by people in town to go back home at a certain time of day, and she did. Not having over-protective parents turned out to be good in a lot of ways. Especially when she turned 6 and her parents had another baby girl, this time a planned event to bring the marriage back where the Mother wanted it. The day the sweet new baby was brought home, our Child was told to be quiet, the baby is sleeping. It stayed that way for many, many years to come. Any doors that might have been open were now permanently closed.
The Child did just fine for an outspoken individual, considering the fact her mother critisized her every move. If the child said this, she should have said that. If the child wore this, she should have changed her shoes. The child was clumsy, so was forced to take dance lessons. At no time in the child's entire life did her mother say she liked the child or anything the child did. The intelligent, independent child left home at 17. There were trying times she needed to ask the help of her mother, and it was given, but always with the sideways look of disapproval even if it was not always voiced. It took its toll and as the child grew older, married, and began raising her own children she started going through times of deep depression. She would sit home with drapes drawn, crying, for days. It would run its course and she got on with life until it hit her again.
Finally, many years later, the child went to see a Psychiatrist, she had to know why she was the way she was. She was given intense medical exams to see if she was healthy, given the right pills, and then had sessions with the 'shrink'. She went on and on and on about her mother and it became apparent the sideways-look disapproval of her mother had become the reason for the problems the child had been having.
One day about 5 months into counseling the doctor stopped taking notes, looked up and said: "Why is that so important to you?!"
The light came on, the child suddenly felt light and relieved. She sat there looking at the Doctor, staring at him, then at the desk, and the floor. Then she looked up and said: "I don't know! I have no idea!"
Her world changed in that instant. It all made sense, her life was being spent trying to please a person who had never really liked her and never would regardless of what she did! It didn't matter who it was, it suddenly made sense that it really did not matter if anyone liked or approved of her or not! She felt light, level, good! She knew she was a good person and it did not matter if her mother approved of anything! Her life turned around at that moment and all of the deep sadness disappeared. Life was hers, and it was the mother's loss. The game was ended. The child knew she could, would, and did tolerate her Mother as needed, but it would never again affect her wonderful life. A small thing such as approval makes such a big difference. The child laughed: "I approve of me!"
Message: Don't point out the things you think are not perfect. Smile. Point out something good... anything good. Our small actions make such an earth changing difference. Think about it.
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Image: www.depositphotos.com/# 133466182 Date: Nov 30, 2018
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