David Essel, M.S.,O.M
What is the number one, intimacy exercise, in the world?
There’s never been a better time right now, then to talk about intimacy.
Thousands of couples are on the verge of divorce.
Thousands more are in affairs.
Thousands more have seen an uptick in their addictions, to avoid being intimate with their partner.
And while some people will blame the pandemic, as a counselor, number one best selling author and more for 42 years I can tell you that it’s not the pandemic‘s fault at all.
Now the pandemic, has added huge stress to so many couples lives and families lives, that it has a place in all of this intimate dysfunction, but it is not the cause of it.
In my work, ever since the pandemic has begun, we have a had a 50% increase in the number of couples contacting us to try to save their marriage or relationship.
And in all of these couples that I work with, the number one complaint, the number one reason for the dysfunction in their love is resentments!
So let me give you a couple tips to follow, which will include the most powerful intimacy exercise in the world:
Number one. Get with a professional today! Very few people turn their marriage or their relationship around on their own when it is heading downhill. Ask for help, now.
Number two. Write down a list of resentments you have against your partner, bring it to the professional and ask them to help you find different ways to release these resentments.
In our work, we have a powerful and in-depth four step process to release resentments against your partner, and we tell everyone before you try to be intimate before you try to use sex as a way to make up, spend time working with a professional to get rid of the resentments forever.
If you don’t? The intimacy exercises will never work long-term.
Number three. The most powerful intimacy exercise in the world!
In 1997, I went through a 12 month training program on codependency, and as a counselor I was shocked to see how codependent I was in my intimate relationships up to that point.
When I came out of that 12 months of work, clearing up my own intimate codependent nature, I decided to create an intimate exercise to help people whose relationship was on the rocks get back together… But wait to hear this… In an intimate erotic way that does not include sexual intercourse!
When I First started using this exercise with couples around 1998, several of them were shocked that here I was working with them on trying to save their marriage, and yet they weren’t being told to have sex?
And the answer is… No sex! I know that sounds crazy but wait till you read on.
There’s four phases to this exercise, and the most important part of the exercise is the written assignments I give the couples to do, after each time they go through this specific intimate exercise.
As they share their responses with me during sessions, I then take them deeper, and we add more to the exercise so that they can get more out of their relationship together.
The most powerful intimate exercise in the world, created by me David Essel:
Phase 1. Lay down facing your partner in bed, fully clothed if you like, women can wear lingerie men can wear shorts or you might both choose to be naked.
Phase two. Mentally open your heart. Visualize your heart opening up and going toward your partner, while your partner does the same thing opening their heart, and visualizing it coming to you.
Phase 3. Stare into each others eyes, and this can be quite a challenge for many of us, and gently kiss then pull back, and stare once again into your partners eyes.
This opens up a world of intimacy, some people feel incredibly vulnerable and they may start giggling or laughing or turn away… That’s OK!
The first time you do anything new, especially something this intimate, there could be a wide array of reactions, allow your partner to be who they are.
Recently we had a woman go through this exercise with her partner and she was giggling the whole time for the first 10 minutes of the 20 minute exercise.
Her partner was phenomenal! He just allowed her to giggle and within about 5 to 8 minutes she had overcome her own sense of vulnerability, and was totally into the exercise.
Phase 4. Kiss each other gently, pull back and continue to look into each others eyes. Here you might talk about what you love about your partner, how much fun you had on certain trips, keep it very light, very low-key, don’t talk about grocery list or childcare or work… Keep it intimate… Keep it special… Keep it between yourselves.
Phase 5. While you’re kissing gently and staring into each others eyes, while you’re speaking softly about what you appreciate continue to hold their hands or slightly put your hand on their shoulder and allow your hand to go all the way down their arm.
This physical touch is very important, it also is a way to open the heart just a little bit wider.
Now we do this for the first 10 minutes of the exercise, it’s very gentle it’s very soft it’s very slow.
The second 10 minutes of the exercise, this erotic intimate exercise is meant to be 20 minutes long, will look like this:
Phase 6. Continue to look into your partners eyes, continue to talk softly, continue to kiss gently, and now you can start to touch your partners erogenous zones.
If you both happen to be fully clothed, obviously this would be the time to gently get out of bed remove your clothing and come back into bed together.
Gently touch each other‘s erotic areas, you can actually go to mutual masturbation, or you might just want to touch and play and tease.
But, and this is so crucial, we do not go into sexual intercourse during this 20 minute exercise.
The purpose is to create a deep intimate connection. The purpose is to slow the world down. The purpose is to bring you together without the distractions of life.
Another couple that had not had sex for a year that started doing this exercise, turned it into a 45 minute exercise once a week.
And this is super important!
Make sure you do this at least once a week for four consecutive weeks because we have found in our research that that will create an opening of the heart.
You can’t do this every once in a while and expect it to have great benefits.
Now what about sex?
I’m asked this all the time, “David we got so turned on during the exercise we wanted to have sex but you won’t allow us!“
I laugh as I write this, because it’s true.
The reason I ask people not to have sexual intercourse after this exercise, is I want the effects to linger.
Too many times when people start an exercise with like this they get into the first five minutes and then all the sudden they’re having sex.
Sex is not the point of this exercise.
Intimacy is the point of this exercise.
Connection is the point of this exercise.
Now after these exercises, as I mentioned above, my clients have a whole series of questions they answer and then we discuss all the benefits that they are seeing and any challenges that might come up during this exercise.
And we add additional intimate exercises to this 20 minute exercise, that can be done during the week, during the day… But the whole point is we’re helping the couple to reconnect at a deeper level on a daily basis.
Now let’s go back to Sex? Yes you can have sex! But we ask people to wait to the day after the intimate exercise to have sexual intercourse, and once again the reason is to allow everything to settle in, in a very slow intimate way.
Most couples since we started teaching this years ago, decide that they’re going to do this once a week for the rest of their lives, and I think it’s the smartest move ever.
If you’d like help in reclaiming the love relationship between you and your partner, I work with people from all over the world via phone or Skype just reach out to me at http://www.talkdavid.com
David Essel‘s work is highly endorsed by individuals like the late Wayne Dyer, and celebrity Jenny McCarthy says “David Essel is the new leader of the positive thinking movement.“
His work as a counselor and minister has been verified by many professional organizations, including, Psychology Today, Theravive, Therapy Tribe as well as http://marriage.com that verified David as one of the top counselors and relationship experts in the world.
To work with David one on one from anywhere in the world via phone or Skype please contact him at
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