Choosing Myself

      

By Cathy Yuhas, RN, CEOLD

Have you ever noticed the part inside you that is waiting to be chosen? I remember my early elementary school days when I was waiting to be chosen for the dodgeball team, or in high school, hoping to be selected for the special chorus group. I still recall the feeling of hoping I wouldn’t be the last one picked, or worse, not being picked at all.  These are moments that should not be significant, but you know what? Sometimes they still matter because they suggest, “Am I wanted? Am I good enough? Do I belong?” Just because our bodies grow up doesn’t mean our younger selves do. Interestingly, as an adult woman, I rarely think of myself as someone waiting to be chosen. I see myself as capable, responsible, and a good decision-maker. I take care of people, and I show up. I get things done. On the outside, it probably looks like confidence and competence.  But sometimes, small hurts surface and feel tender because being chosen often seems like proof that we are good enough, likable, useful, pretty, smart, or worthy. When we grow up, we think we've moved past all that. But have we? Or do we simply find more adult ways to wait? It feels vulnerable to admit this because nobody wants to see themselves still standing on the playground waiting for their name to be called. Nobody wants to admit that some part of us is still listening for the chorus teacher to say, “Yes. You.” So, what happens when we stop waiting for someone else to choose us? What happens when we choose ourselves? When we say, “I am no longer going to wait at the edge of my life until someone else tells me I can enter it?” What might this look like? It could mean speaking up before we're sure our voice won't shake or offering our work before knowing how it will be received. Instead of the exhaustion of auditioning to be loved, included, respected, and taken seriously, we could stop waiting and hoping someone calls our name, realizing we can step forward on our own.  So the question becomes: Will I finally pick myself?   Where in your life are you still waiting to be chosen, when what you may really need is to choose yourself?   Cathy J. Yuhas, RN, CEOLD Founder of Dying Matters, LLC Author of Walking Each Other Home New book coming: Life Beneath the Layers: The Courage to Meet Yourself Send an email to be on the list for updates: cathy.yuhas@dyingmatters.llc https://www.dyingmatters.llc