How to Raise A Conscious Child

      

By Ariane de Bonvoisin

Ariane de Bonvoisin “Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.” Kahil Gibran We all want the very best for our kids. We want them to be smart, athletic, healthy, kind, happy, polite, disciplined, creative and overall, give them everything! Parents today are overwhelmed with demands on how to raise their kids. Often, they are focused on getting them into good schools so they can have a good education, first and foremost. Kids on the other hand, are growing up bombarded by technology, needing to compete in every way, comparing themselves with others, trying to be perfect and please their parents, wanting to fit in and instead of being happy, are often anxious, stressed at a very young age, display behavioral issues, have little self esteem and are simply not happy. So, from the parents whose intention is so sincere, to the kids who are trying to keep up on all fronts, what needs to change… what is missing? We need to look at raising our children as a spiritual experience, one where having conscious kids go out in the world is more important than anything we can teach them. The words spiritual and conscious can seem quite vague, nebulous or even put you off, so lets break it down into 9 principles that can help you raise a conscious child. 1) Instill some Positive Beliefs. Parents tend to project onto their kids their own beliefs, about everything. Religion, food, health, people, money… If you want to raise a truly conscious child, try sharing these types of beliefs with them: ‘The world is a safe place”- this is very important for them to know. Most kids do not feel safe in the world and will grow up looking for safety in all the wrong places, a relationship, a job, money, a reputation, owning a home, i.e. thinking that safety is an external job. Help them know that they are always safe, life is on their side even though hard things can happen, that the Universe, Grace, God, whatever you want to call it, will always take care of them. Help them understand that they live in a friendly world and that safety is an attitude in their mind, it does not depend on anything else. “People are essentially good, some are just sad or mad, or not loved, so sometimes they will do bad things.” This is very different to telling them to be fearful of others and gives you a context when something difficult happens to them, or in the world around them. They will learn not to be scared of others, but to have compassion for what could make someone do something. When people do bad things, it is usually because they must be feeling bad themselves. “We are all very similar underneath it all, despite different colors, races, religions, countries we live in”. Its important with kids that they don’t start associating with differences but with how similar they are to others. This prevents feelings of division, of loneliness, or feeling different to others. Highlight what is the same in everyone. “Planet earth loves you, is always providing for you through food, sunshine, rain etc” Teach kids that the planet is their friend; it wants them to think about the consequences of their actions. That doing good things for it, like planting a tree or vegetable garden, or being conscious of rubbish is important to them playing their part and thanking Mother Earth. “Everyone has the right to believe what they want. No one’s belief or religion is better than anyone else’s”. It’s important with the children coming into the world today to teach them all religious stories, from Jesus, to Krishna, to Buddha, to the Jewish and Arab beliefs, so that they can relate and feel informed, not different. The world needs kids to at a minimum, know and understand the universal religions, not only be brought up in one chosen religion, which creates a separation with others. The most important thing to remember is that you must believe these first. You cannot teach your children anything that you yourself have not embodied. 2) Develop their Inner Technology Teach them the difference between external technology (ipads, ipods, TV’s etc) and their own inner technology which is even more powerful: their intuition, their psychic abilities, their emotional guidance system, their gratitude, that the answers are inside of them, that their body is way more powerful than any external device. Value their feelings: Kids need to be shown that their feelings are what is valued, not only their minds. Ask them, “how do you feel, not what do you think?” Let them have their imagination. Place no limits on what they believe, whether it is angels, fairies, imaginary friends, aliens etc. Just because you don’t believe in something, doesn’t mean they can’t. Value it all equally. Do not shut down their connection to this. Develop their gratitude muscle: Show them the power of being grateful: have one wall in their room where they can write something daily that they are thankful for. Show them that they get what they focus on and whatever they are thinking about will expand (the good or the bad, so they can be conscious of that). Have them use their intuition: Get them to rely on themselves, not only adults for answers. Always ask them their opinion instead of giving them answers to their questions. Create a direct connection to their body: Have them get in touch with their bodies, if they are angry or upset. Where is that feeling in their body? They can start seeing the relationship between what they think and feel and that their body is not separate. Show them that their posture affects how they feel and that they can stand up tall to feel better, that their physical side is their connection to feeling better. Teach them how to breathe, I mean, really breathe deeply, and how fast that can make them calm down and feel better. Create ‘breathing breaks’ where all they do is take 10 deep breaths. Even better, do it with them! Have them visualize what they want: Teach them to visualize, to use the power of their mind to imagine how they want a situation to be, and that being positive is always the better option. Yes, show them the benefit of computers, phones etc, and at the same time, have them use those to be creative, to maybe learn something new, to listen to music, to watch an amazing nature video, to see another aspect of the planet. Have technology become something they use to develop their inner world, not keep them away from ever connecting to that part of themselves. 3) Build their Self-esteem Kids are naturally born with a lot of self-love. They have no concept of what they lack, if they are ugly, or have difficulties at school. It is only their environment that instills those. Kids will be looking for clues to evaluate how they are doing on all levels very early on. Are Mom/Dad happy with me or not? So, what’s a parent to do? Never label your child. Yes, be very mindful of how you describe your son or daughter. Too often we will say things like, ‘she is the athletic one’ or ‘the smart one’ or ‘the musical one’ etc. Kids are very aware of what you say about them, to friends, family, anyone. Be especially careful when there is more than one sibling at home and that starts off a comparison game. A child that hears it is the smart one may not grow up feeling beautiful, or a child that hears it is the musical one, may start doing poorly at school. Repeat these 4 statements often. You are loved You are perfect You are good enough You have nothing to fear Maybe even write them down and put them in their bedroom or bathroom. Encourage them to try things, make mistakes and not be perfect. From an early age, kids learn what they are good at and want to stick to those. They know they get ‘points’ from their teachers and parents for doing something well. Help your kids do things they’ve never done before: it can be as small as dive in a pool, do a cartwheel, speak a few words of another language or make a video. Anything that is new. Learning anything will expand their awareness of themselves and what they are capable of. This isn’t about doing anything right; it’s just about the experience of something new, with no need for results. 4) Teach them how to deal with change As parents, most of us want to protect our kids from change by creating stability, keeping them safe in the same home, the same school etc. And yet, the number one constant in life is change; guaranteed to happen. When we have been insulated from change growing up, we tend to think ‘no change=good, change=bad’. We then grow up to fear change. Share with them the Change Guarantee: “From any change, something good will come.” Small or big change, if someone in the family passes away, if there is a change of plans, if you move, change schools etc, have them start to know that no matter what, something positive is on its way. Teach them that they have a Change Muscle. Yes, we all have a part of ourselves that is really good at change. Our bodies are growing and changing all the time so we can too. Activate the superhero within them that welcomes life changing around them. 5) Share with them conscious communication skills. Communication is the foundation for how they will show up in the world. The power of words: Its important from the start that kids understand the power of their words, their tone of voice and how they speak. E.g. Explain to them how using the word great, amazing, wonderful, is better than ok, fine, not bad. Listening is part of communicating: If you are around most kids, talking comes more naturally than listening. And yet, kids can be taught how to listen: create a game where they need to listen to something and then say what they heard. You can get creative. As parents, your dialogue should go both ways: Ask most kids and they will feel their parents are always telling them what to do, what’s right and wrong, they make all the decisions. Don’t tell them what to do, ask them for solutions, for options. You may be amazed at what comes out of their mouth! Self-approval skills: Teach your kid the importance of how they are communicating with themselves on the inside, their inner dialogue. This self-disapproval gets set up from a very young age, the critical voice shows up. Demonstrate what its like to stay affirming things about themselves; “I love my hair, I love my eyes, I love my teacher, I love my ability to run….” 6) As parents, commit to personal growth and doing your own inner work. Remove your own blocks to freedom: Any inner programs that are still in you, e.g. needing to be perfect or in control, money scarcity etc will show up in your child. The more you are free of these, the more your child will be. Get help, read books, do a course, learn to meditate, anything that will help you develop and grow personally. Remove your own dreams and desires for them: Your kids are not there to fulfill your dreams or what you want. Let them do what they want, play the instrument they want, do the sport they want. Give them that freedom. Often, parents decide for their kids that they will play the piano or football or study a certain thing at school and take over the family business! Having kids is not about them meeting your expectations or sometimes, your unfulfilled goals and dreams. Conscious parenting is not about setting up controls of what is good/bad a yes/no, acceptable/unacceptable. See your child as a soul, possibly an advanced soul that is even more conscious than you. Don’t talk down to them; see them as an equal, just in a smaller body. See them as your teacher. They will show you how to be an amazing parent and what still needs to be healed inside of you! 7) Honor their body and their health As parents, we can get a little lazy when thinking about food for our child. We opt for what is available, fast, convenient rather than healthy and nutritious sometimes. We too don’t have the greatest health habits. Your child’s body is their temple, it’s the foundation for their emotions, their mood, their relationship to themselves so from the earliest of ages, they need to understand how important and magnificent their body is. Choose fresh foods, without preservatives, chemicals, GMO ingredients etc. Be picky; spend time understanding what’s in your food. This has a massive effect on your child’s immune system, how often they get sick, how agitated and anxious they feel. Watch trigger foods like sugar, gluten, dairy, wheat, soy, corn. Help them see how wonderful exercise is. Especially with kids addicted to technology, getting back into their bodies, moving emotions through, boosting their feel good hormones will all contribute greatly. Introduce things like yoga to them as well. Many kids respond very well to the postures and their benefits, from the earliest of ages. Create a good sleep routine. Sleep is imperative for healthy and happy children. Start with a wind down routine, it could be different type of soothing music, or doing their gratitude journal. Teach them how to meditate, to sit still, focus on their breathing and do nothing for a few minutes. Make it something you do together. If you believe in prayer, pray with them. Let them do the speaking, as they get older. 8) Consciously discipline your child. Many parents think disciplining a child and doing so consciously don’t really go together. There are ways to combine both! Here are a few examples: Create a mediation corner instead of punishing them. Teach them that when they behave badly, they will be asked to go to a special area of the house or their room and simply sit there being quiet in order to contemplate what happened. Once they are ready to accept responsibility, apologize if needed and share their lesson, then they can come out. This is much more effective than punishment, that only lasts until the next incident. Encourage truth not lying. Parents often do not realize that from the earliest of ages, when their child tells them the truth, they are nonetheless punished, thus wiring the child to associate pain with telling the truth. Part of conscious discipline is to continue to allow the child to speak the truth and have them realize the consequences of their actions or words. Don’t create contradictions in a child who hears from you- tell the truth, and when they do, get punished for it. 9) Be an example of what living consciously looks like As you know, your child is a sponge, absorbing everything that you do! This means the number one person to be conscious about is yourself. In some ways, it would nearly be easier to follow a ‘how to parent’ manual, than it would be to have to do the work yourself. Be mindful of all your behaviors in front of your children: How you talk, fight, eat, work, love their mother/father, touch, stay healthy, treat others, pray, if you tell white lies….all of this matters. Tune your inner antenna to let you know when you need to change Have time for them. Kids need to know that things other than work, cooking, shopping etc are important to you! Show them that you have time to listen to them, to talk, to play, to explore, to be outdoors. Conscious kids need to see that life is not about only working hard, being stressed and meeting deadlines, or you will be raising a replica of your own stressed out life! Raising a conscious child is less about what you need to do and more about what you need to become as a parent. Parents don’t want to really hear this but in the end, what is going on in you, in your mind, your relationship, your fears is often what will be mirrored by your child. The next time you have a challenge with your kid, ask yourself this courageous question: “What in me is having this show up in them?” The more you focus on changing and improving yourself, the more your child will be free of limiting behaviors. Raise your own consciousness and your child will receive the gift of a lifetime! I’ve just released a trilogy of books called Giggles and Joy: Spiritual Life Lessons for Kids. Their intention is to help parents, grandparents, care-givers of all kinds with a simple tool to help raise happy, healthy, conscious and empowered children. There is nothing more important for our tiny humans, to remember their spiritual nature. www.gigglesandjoy.com Link to Amazon amzn.to/2FoBbX3 Ariane de Bonvoisin is a writer, speaker, coach and entrepreneur. She has just published a wonderful trilogy of books called Giggles and Joy: Spiritual Life Lessons for Kids. Her fascinating journey has taken her all over the world and she currently lives in NYC with her husband and four year old son, Everest. She is a TED resident and has had an incredible career in media and VC, before pursuing her dreams to write, speak and serve her fellow beings.