Camilla Sacre Dallerup
"It's not me; it's you." How many times have you been on the receiving end of those five little words? Me too; more times than I care to remember. They have become such cliched words, and we often doubt their sincerity.
Many of us assume they're said when someone wants an easy way out of a relationship. But let's consider for a moment that there might be some truth to them. In sitting and being present with my clients, it is clear the problem often lies with them. By encouraging them to look inward, they can heal their current relationship or build stronger connections in the future.
Most of us have been in relationships, be it with a partner, family member, friend, or work colleague, where we're frustrated, hurt, or feel lost, and it's such an annoying place to be; you can feel so powerless. It's also natural during challenging breakups to want to blame everyone else for the situation we find ourselves. It's harder to look within and accept that you need to take responsibility also. In those moments, I want you to know, that no matter the depth or darkness of the hole you have found yourself dumped in, there is a way out, one that can see you rise even higher than from where you fell.
I believe challenges in our lives are opportunities to evolve and learn about ourselves. I'm confident that when we focus on what we can learn from a situation, instead of the pain of it, it gives us permission to grow and move forward. We can switch our mindset from "poor me" to one of strength and understanding, healing our relationships, and becoming happier humans. Future relationships benefit because we can navigate through them more harmoniously.
The four vital parts to healing are self-awareness and self-acceptance, leading to self-love and self-care. When we have a good relationship with our self, we tend to have good relationships with others. Exercises and meditations help us to move closer to you and heal the most important relationship you'll ever have, the relationship with yourself.
It has become more apparent to me that the relationship issues my clients are dealing with have a common thread running through them. They all require my clients to accept that they can only change their response to things; how they behave.
When we are aware, we can observe our feelings, emotions, and behaviors. Every situation that triggers us is an opportunity to get to know ourselves better and to grow. Once we are tuned in, we will become aware of the patterns and behaviors we are repeating, and what we would like to change and improve on. It's like working muscles in your body. Every time you experience a situation, you will deal with it differently and feel stronger afterward.
I always tell my clients that being aware of an issue is the first step to healing it. I like to think of becoming self-aware as waking up. Once wide awake to what is working in your life and what isn't, you will start to make better choices for yourself with a newfound awareness.
We can't, however, change a situation we are in, or something about ourselves, until we acknowledge it, and then accept it. When you agree, a relationship is over, for example, or that you're in the wrong career, that is the moment you can start the healing journey and make positive changes. Or when you accept that behaviors or habits are bad for you, you can work on adjusting or improving it.
Self-acceptance can be a moment of 'A-ha' or gradual. Embrace all that you already are and choose to accept. In some ways, acceptance is like forgiveness. It doesn't mean we agree with what has happened, but it does mean we accept what is and start from there. We stop letting the past hurt our present. Through pain, there is an opportunity to heal feelings brought to the surface, which would otherwise lie dormant.
We are all a work in progress, continually learning. Staying in relationships that have run their course prevents new ones from developing for both parties. Equally, when we focus on the things, we don't like about ourselves, we fail to see beautiful qualities we do possess and can share with the world. We honestly can't expect others to see our full worth until we honor it entirely ourselves.
When we are self-aware and self-accepting, we can love ourselves warts and all. The love you have for yourself reflects in the relationships around you. I've watched many of my clients fall in love with themselves, and their lives transform as a result.
Learn how to meet your needs before you look for someone or something to meet them for you. The search for validation outside of yourself, and settling for less than you want, all changes when you love yourself. If you want a healthy, loving relationship, then begin by giving yourself that same support, love, strength, and care you would want from a partner, friend, or family member. All relationships are mirrors reflecting the healed and the unhealed within you.
Bravery is rewarding. When we open our hearts, we become emotionally vulnerable, but we also open up to the chance that we may love and be loved beyond our wildest dreams. We attract what we are willing to give.
Start celebrating yourself, stop putting yourself down, and comparing yourself with others. "I am enough" is a simple, powerful statement. When we say it and believe it, we feel empowered. Self-love encourages resilience and strength to carry on in those moments when we feel unable. It's simple when you love yourself; you make different choices for yourself.
Create space in your life for self-care. Taking time to care for you, value yourself and your self-worth. Self-care is not a luxury; it's vital if you want to live a happy, fulfilled life with rewarding relationships.
Creating positive habits and having routine works. Take time to cook healthy meals, exercise and meditate. You will find your days flow with ease. You will feel less stress and overwhelm and deal with challenges better. Today we are all 'plugged in' and under pressure. Creating balance means scheduling small pockets of self-care over the day or week rather than switching off at 6 pm like generations before us. Once you start making a self-care practice, it becomes a positive habit one you can rely on to support you daily so you can rise and shine and be your most awesome self.
We are all amazing humans on this earth for a reason. Don't dim your beautiful light so that others don't feel inferior. You are not alone as Ram Dass once said, "We're all just walking each other home." There is no you and I, this and that, there's just helping each other walk home, and we can make that as pleasurable or as painful as we like.
About the Author:
Camilla Sacre-Dallerup is an NLP master practitioner coach, certified hypnotherapist and a popular meditation teacher at the trendy Unplug Meditation studio in Los Angeles.
Before she started her life coaching and motivational speaking business in the UK ten years ago, she spent over 25 years as a successful competitive athlete in the world of ballroom dancing. Camilla was part of the original cast of Strictly Come Dancing (the UK’s equivalent to Dancing with the Stars in the US). After winning the trophy in 2008, she left to focus on her wellbeing business.
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