“Within you I lose myself. Without you I find myself
wanting to become lost again.”
When you really feel, you feel Love. Most deeply, most honestly you know that you are Love. Love is openness. This same openness is what everyone seems to be longing for. You are this Love. You are alive as Love. Your whole body longs to live open as Love.
Who you truly are is Love. This Love has no name. No shape. No form. Not even a feeling. It is what you already are without you needing to make any effort. You are Love. Love is unbound by condition, space or time. Love never knows what is next or why things happen. It is free. You are free. You are freedom itself.
But despite all this, you behave as if you are in a prison. Perhaps you believe that there is a problem and that something is missing. Or you feel you are not living fully enough. You suppress your true feelings and desires and have so many ideas of how you think you should feel or behave. Maybe you believe you are stuck in fixed patterns of behaviour. In an effort to create safety and protection in life and relationships, you may have built up imaginary walls which create tension in the body. Although sometimes these walls of protection seem to be useful, most of the time you long to break out and run naked screaming down the street! You long, to live without caring. To live freely in Love. To express whatever is in your heart. You long to surrender to the fullest passion of life. To feel and experience the Love that you know. You long to become as free as Love.
There is this dichotomy or paradox. Life plays at the game of forgetting itself, then longing and searching and finally finding itself to be that which was playing the whole game. In the remembering or realization of who You really are, you realize that there actually is never a dichotomy at all. Life is absolute Oneness. But until there is this recognition of Oneness, this play of believing in separation goes on. This is the longing.
This sense of separation or longing can be a very uncomfortable or painful sensation. There is often a feeling of restlessness and a trying to fill this never-ending hole with whatever seems to temporarily soothe the discomfort. This can be chocolate, alcohol, drugs, sex and even (or especially) spiritual books or practices. Various practices give you highs for a while, but then you come crashing down and the longing begins again. Perhaps you go on a peaceful retreat somewhere and have a beautiful experience, but then when you come back to regular life, the restlessness and feeling that something is missing, slowly starts creeping back in.
This longing or feeling that something is missing, comes up in all areas of life, but longing for the perfect lover is probably the most common. You long for someone to complete you. You long to fall and dissolve into the other and know that there is nothing to be scared of and no reason to protect yourself any more. You long to know the absolute Love which has no reason to protect itself. No reason to play games. Nothing to think about. Nothing to wait for. No reason to do anything but Love. Right now, right here. Just Love for no reason. Just Love, despite all reasons.
This is the same as the search for spiritual enlightenment. You imagine that when you achieve your spiritual goal, that it will give you all the sense of completion and freedom that you long for. But whenever you experience anything close to it, it always seems just a little further out of reach. This search is never-ending.
But in falling in Love with someone or by having some kind of spiritual experience, you get a taste of the real Freedom and Love that You are. As you stare into your lover’s eyes, perhaps you feel yourself falling and disappearing into them. For a moment, you become One beyond your two separate bodies. Perhaps in a meditation session, you have a moment where everything disappears and you are no more. Or maybe you are just walking down the street and suddenly there is only walking, with no one doing the walking. These kinds of moments can often be the seed which eventually can destroy your so-called normal life. Slowly things will start to crumble. Assumptions begin to be seen for what they really are. All that you have ever taken to mean anything starts to be seen as a façade.
Often after one of these moments or spiritual highs, while thought is quickly closing the gap which has appeared in its defences, there can be a sense that whatever that moment was, it was somehow special. It was somehow significant, although the mind has no idea what that significance really is. Thoughts try to hold on to the moment, but as soon as that happens, the moment has passed. You scramble around trying to recreate that moment in whatever way you can. You might try to recreate the context or situation in which the moment happened, but after some attempts, you realize that it is impossible. That moment has gone. You have lost it. Something is missing again and the search goes on.
Even though the search goes on, and the façade continues, you already know the freedom and true Love that you really are beyond all this. You already know that Life is already all so easy and effortless.
In fact, this tremendous longing is actually this true knowing or Love. Through this longing, the boundless depth of the Love which you are, is revealed. This feeling of longing is Love leading you (Love itself) to see that all there is is Love. This yearning for truth is not a problem to be solved, but a pull to surrender.
Originally from the UK, Unmani travels around the world offering spontaneous and direct nondual meetings and retreats in 'Not-Knowing'. Die to Love is her second book.
Die to Love is available from https://www.o-books.com and from wherever books are sold.
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