Raging Hormones

By Marty Boyle

Marty Boyle

Cadwallader is loving one moment and a candidate for Sing-Sing the next. Henrietta insists on being dropped off a block from school each morning. Adlebert begs to be treated as an adult, even as he commits atrocities a two-year-old would scoff at as infantile. And, if Pansy rolls her eyes one more time at your obvious lack on intelligence, you will lose it. What do all these delights have in common? Adolescence, that charming age between childhood and adulthood. As members of the parenting community, we need to stick together in order to survive. Being a retired middle school teacher, and rearing four children in four and a half years, but most importantly, having survived their adolescence, I offer the following advice:

1. Pick your battles. Avoid major disputes over inconsequential matters such as Suzie’s non-matching, but-Mom-I’ll-be-so-cool-if-I-walk-out-of-this-house-looking-like-I-just-crawled-out-from-under-a-rock look for school, or Bertram’s desire for a skull-and-crossbones temporary tattoo. Save your ammunition – you’ll be glad later on when you need to bring out the Big Guns. Remember, wise parents don’t judge your parenting skills by the outfits your child wears to school. Usually.

2. Be consistent. If you choose to ground Petunia, make it stick. Kids this age generally believe they need little or no structure in their lives. In reality, however, Petunia needs more supervision and structure. At this time, parenting is like teaching: it is far better to have a tough rep – you can always loosen up at a later, but it is almost impossible to toughen up at a later date if you have been a marshmallow for twelve years.

3. Make the punishment fit the crime. Young Humpty Dumpty is very attuned to what is fair, regardless of the number of times he’s been told that Life is not fair. I would strongly advise you that unless Humpty tried to run the Mafia out of your family room, don’t ground him for the next seven years. If young master Dumpty is feeling a bit too big for his britches, instead of grounding, why not have him work in a soup kitchen for a week after school? Shovel the walk of the senior citizens on your block, gratis? Be creative!

4. Know your kids’ friends. While it is wonderful to be an open-minded, accepting, understanding parent, you also don’t want your child to make friends with the local board members of the JJG: Jesse James Gang. Encourage Sweetums to spend time at your home with her new friends so that you can also get to know them. She will be spending a great deal of time with her friends over the next few years, so set the ground rules early. By the way, remember that you cannot judge a book by its cover.

5. Meet the parents of your kids’ friends. We’re all in this together and, quite simply, we all want to come out of this alive, if not with our sanity and sense of humor intact. While George E. Porgie will most likely die of mortification if you ask to talk with his new friend’s parent before agreeing to something, you and Mr./Ms. Porgie will feel better once you each know that neither child is a card-carrying member of the JJG, as described in Tip #4.

6. Prepare to be a complete embarrassment to your child for the next several years. Don’t worry when Hubert wants you to drop him off a block from school because: a) you; b) your outfit; c) the style of your hair (or lack thereof); d) your car; or, e) all of the above; doesn’t fit the high moral standards of the Teen Status Code. Don’t worry – Hubie will get over it. Dust off your sense of humor and laugh. Life is short. So is adolescence, although it seems to last forever. Feel free to cut out the following card and store it in your wallet.

Parental Idiot Membership Card

                       I, _______ (insert your name here), as a parent of
                       an adolescent, do hereby understand that I will be a
                       complete embarrassment to my child, _________,
                       at all hours of the day and night for the next 10 years.
                       I promise to do everything I possibly can to save my
                       sanity and sense of humor during this time.

                                                       M.J. Boyle,
                                                       Past President, PIO
                                                       Parental Idiot Association

7. Check your local home-improvement store for steel rods. When you buy one, insert it directly down into your spine. You will need it for the next few years. When you want to refuse, but are afraid Tuitti Fruitti will be a) furious; b) embarrassed; c) threatening to purchase a bus ticket outta here; or, d) all of the above; take a deep breath and say NO. The steel rod down your spine will help. [NOTE: If the answer is c, help Ms. Fruitti pack.] Tough love works. If you’re not sure how to say, NO, practice. You’ll need the skill for everyone’s survival.

8. Equip your home with bumper pads. Adolescence is like a roller-coaster ride –lots of hills and valleys, the ever-present feeling of careening out of control, mind-boggling with its twists and turns and dizzying with it unexpected spins. Delightful one moment, dreadful the next. My advice? a) Expect the unexpected; b) Be the guardrail and the safety harness for the ride; and, c) buy stock in tissues and extra-strength aspirin.
        My husband and I visualize adolescence as a long, dark tunnel that our children have entered. We see ourselves at the other end of the tunnel, peering into the darkness and offering bits of encouragement as our brood travel within the tunnel. We cannot accompany our children through the experience – it’s one of those One Trip Only regulations, but we can offer travel suggestions, hoping to steer them away from the rocks, slick spots, and avalanches that we know exist from personal experience. The length of the journey, unfortunately, is not up to us. Some kids are in and out quickly, some take years to make the trip, and some adults seem as if they are still traversing the tunnel, searching for the exit.

9. Avoid the Pit of Cockiness. Don’t brag overly much about Percival and all of his wonderful accomplishments to other parents. When you hear – and you will – of someone else’s darling who has committed some heinous crime at school, avoid saying aloud, Well! At least my darling Percival would never do that! Chances are unnervingly strong that old Percy has a) done it already and was lucky enough not to be caught; b) is planning on doing it as we speak; c) will attempt it as soon as his membership card to the James Gang arrives; or, d) did do it, but the principal hasn’t found time to call you yet. Instead, learn to bite your tongue and offer up thanks that you have been spared – this time.

10. Keep lines of communication open at all costs. Trust me. It will be far easier to allow Dexter to vege out in front of the television or escape to his friend’s house so often you wonder what he looks like now, but you need to talk. Take the time and make the effort to engage Dex in conversation, whether it be over the latest movie review or the newest car on the market. Take Dexy out for a special time together as often as possible. And when you talk, remember to shut up and listen. It’s amazing how much you learn when you really listen.

11. Avoid rescue attempts. There is an old tale, which perfectly illustrates this point. Once upon a time, ______ (Insert your name here.), a compassionate and loving person, saw a beautiful butterfly, _____ (Insert your child’s name here.), struggling with ________ (Insert the problem your child is facing at the present time.), trying to get out of the cocoon. Taking pity on the butterfly, the person gently cut away the cocoon, releasing the insect from its dilemma. Soon after, the butterfly tried to fly, but found it couldn’t. It needed the difficulty of the cocoon struggle to strengthen its wings. When it couldn’t, the butterfly died. Moral of the story? Keep your loving, compassionate hands off that butterfly. Allow your child the luxury of falling flat and learning how to pick up him/herself again. Your butterfly needs the strength of the struggle.

12. Encourage extracurricular activities. Even though it is a headache to get Esmerelda to and from practices and meetings after school, adolescence is an important time to discover talents and interests. Besides, if Essie should happen to become famous some day, I’m sure there is some type of tax deduction available for your dedicated efforts during her childhood. Check with your local CPA.

13. Beware the True Love Trap. If your love-sick Dumpling is chomping at the bit to date, encourage her to group-date only for as long as you can. Have Dumpling and several of her friends meet Mr. Wonderful and several of his friends at the movies, the game, the dance or the pool. Set your ground rules early here, as well, because sooner or later (and if you’re lucky, it will be later) you’ll need them. Limit phone calls, visitations and squelch anything that makes you nervous. Remember that you’re her parent, not her friend, although if you’re lucky, that may come once she emerges from the tunnel. You have good instincts. Use them.

14. Don’t overreact until necessary. Whether or not it is true, Mark Twain is often credited with the following maxim: When a child turns 13, place him/her in a barrel. Nail down the lid tightly, feeding the child through a knot hole. When the child turns 16, plug up the knot hole. Now, while I can’t advocate that because I fear the power of the local ASPCA, I can say that your child will do things and say things just to see how you will react; in a word, rebellion. You are a sounding board during these years as they fine-tune their own philosophies and thoughts. When it’s important, feel free to hit the roof. Your child will know through your (over)reaction where your philosophies/guidelines/ morals/scruples are if they were ever unsure, thus helping to form his/her own.

15. Get your chauffeur’s license and keep it current. My husband and I used to tell our kids once they hit adolescence that we would drive almost anytime, almost anywhere for almost anything. We figure that when we are 105 years old, we can rest o in our rocking chairs, regret-free. Until then, we willingly taxied for them, desperately trying to grumble only under our breaths. Rarely does one hear of a deathbed regret of the soon-to-be-deceased, wishing that he/she had spent more time at the job. Besides, it’s amazing how much you learn when kids think you are busy driving the car and not really listening. Really listen.

16. Expect Junior to be lazy. Just as babies sleep an extraordinary amount because of their rapid growth, adolescents needs lots of rest for their growth spurts. Unfortunately for Junior, most high school schedules generally do not allow for much extra sleep. Not only should you expect Junior to be lazy, but allow him the luxury of laziness by providing lots of resting time. His body and mind crave it. But, let’s get real here. If Junior spends every waking moment collapsed on his bed, you might wish to rethink this.

17. Let Oscar be grouchy at home. This tip is what will ensure your crown in heaven. At this age, Oscar feels the need to be on all day long with his friends. After all, in his mind, he believes that no one would want to be his friend if people knew what he was really like. Let Oscar keep the charade. As he travels through high school, he will learn that he doesn’t need it with his true friends, and this stage presence will disappear.

18. Expect that your child will need an adjustment period before he/she feels comfortable in moving to high school or any other school. A good rule of thumb at for this is Christmas. By this time, most kids feel as if they have the schedules, lockers, lunchtime procedures, friends, teachers and teacher expectations down pat enough for them to feel as if they at last have a handle on it all. Remember, anything that comes before Christmas is a bonus.

19. When Life gets too tough, get help. For many different reasons, adolescence is harder these days for our kids to survive than it was for previous generations. Sometimes, adolescent problems can be solved by an adolescent or with with aid of an adult or two. Sometimes, however, they cannot. Know when to say when and seek out professional counseling for your adolescent. Avoid thinking: What if someone finds out? I don’t want anyone to know that my kid’s got problems. Does that make me a bad parent? Forget the self-recriminations and seek assistance before it is too late. Look for tell-tale signs of depression, anger or anxiety in your child that don’t appear to be normal. Ask your doctor for a referral. Do not let pride stand in the way of your child’s future and happiness.

20. Love your child even when – or especially when – you don’t particularly like him/her. There will be many times when you wonder just exactly why you were so anxious for Precious to talk when she was a baby. There will even be times when you attempt to figure out how to shave expenses so that you can afford to send off Precious to that delightful Antarctic Military Academy you’ve heard so much about. Trust me. It will happen, if it hasn’t already. Seriously, search out ways to give at least three sincere compliments to Precious every day during this difficult age.
        To test your PCA (Parental Compliment Ability), try answering this sample question from the international test. [NOTE: No points awarded to those seeking advice from experienced parents of adolescents.]

138. Which of these is not a sincere compliment for the average adolescent?

1) Buffy, that kill-your-mother music is not nearly as loud as it could be. Thank you so much for thinking of the decibel damage on my hearing. Oh, and honey, could you please help me turn down my hearing aid?

b) Throckmorton, that nose earring sets off your eyes just beautifully.

c) Sweetheart, that particular shade of neon orange hair certainly matches well with the wardrobe you insisted I purchase from the county morgue, much to my personal humiliation.

d) Darling, that large skull tattoo you had put on your chest with the money your ailing grandmother gave you after forging my signature, looks quite, ..., er, lovely.

e) None of the above.

f) All of the above.

Scoring: Now, I realize that you may be relatively new to this, but the answer to those of us who are experienced at dealing with adolescents is patently obvious:cb. Answers a and b are perfectly legitimate compliments. And I had you going there for a while with d, didn’t I? That parent almost flunked at the end of the compliment, but was able to successfully pull it together for a last-moment, full-credit compliment. The truly inexperienced parent of an adolescent might have jumped at e or f, but true talent for this sort of thing comes with hard-won experience.
        If you are confused why the correct answer c, let me take a moment to explain. You see, in this instance, the parent overstepped his/her bounds in making this compliment. Obviously, if Sweetheart had wanted her clothes to match her neon orange hair, she would have perused the L.L. Bean catalogue and not the county morgue’s. So, imbedded within this particular compliment is an implied criticism, which, therefore, makes this the obvious choice.

22. At all costs, hang on to your sense of humor and your sanity, but not necessarily in that order. Remember that adolescence is rather a state of mind during turbulent emotional, mental, spiritual and physical growth. You have lots of wisdom around you, as well as experience from into which you can tap. Tap away, and if you have the choice to cry or laugh, go ahead. Feel sorry for yourself for a moment or two, but then realize self-pity is not going to be very productive. Dust off your sense of humor, which may very well have fallen down around your ankles, adjust it, rise above the situation to view it from a wider perspective, and smile, knowing this age won’t last forever, and you will all survive. And then, laugh. Just don’t do it in front of Dumpling’s friends. You’ll embarrass the heck out of her.

        Your survived your own adolescence; surely you can survive your children’s, right? And, if you can’t? Try Sunny Dale Sanitarium. I hear they have great rates for parents of adolescents. The icing on the proverbial cake is that no one under the age of 21 is allowed within 50 miles of the place. Call me for directions. We’ll do lunch.
        Oh, yeah, one more piece of advice that should serve you well as your kids travel through adolescence: Buckle your seat – you’re in for a rocky ride.

(Excerpt from This, Two, Shall Pass: The Ultimate Survival Handbook for Mothers of Twins, Triplets and Quads – mjboyle607@aol.com)

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