Women and Relationships: The Difference Between Reality and Your Expectations

      

By Barbara Berger

I coach people every day, and many people, especially women, have unrealistic expectations to the men in their lives, expectations which are often very far from reality. This is why I frequently say to the women who come to me – it's a really good idea to notice who their partner really and truly is. And not get lost in the dream of some man they'd like him to be, or who they're dreaming he'll become one day, but rather take a look at the man who is actually standing there, right before them. The man he actually is. "But oh," women often say, "he has so much potential." Or they'll say, "Things would be great if only he would..." or "I know he said that, but he really means..."    And I always say, "Whoa girl! Let's just slow down for a moment and examine what you are doing because this is never going to work." Why? Because it has nothing to do with reality. No, you are somewhere off in dreamland – and that never works because it's all mind stuff, fluff – just some thoughts in your head which end up making you miserable because they have nothing to do with what's happening right before your eyes. So stop it and drop it!  Much, much better, much, much wiser to look at the man who is actually here, the man who is standing right before you – and then listen to what he's saying and watch what he's doing! And don't assume that you know better than he does what he's thinking or feeling. Because you don't! How could you? You are not inside his head, so you can't know what's really going on in there.    So look at him and listen to what he says and then watch what he does – and relate to that. Notice what's going on and how it makes you feel. And if you're in doubt about what he's saying or doing, then ask him what he means and what's going on – but stop assuming that you know better than he does what he's thinking and feeling. In other words, relate to the real person, the actual man, who is standing right there before you – not some dream of a man who doesn't exist. Once you do this, it will be a whole lot easier for you to navigate realistically and wisely in life and make wise choices for yourself. Because the reality is – most people don't change and you can’t “fix” or control or change another person. And when you understand this, it will be much easier for you to be more realistic – and then you will know what to do.   Expectations versus Reality – an exercise You can read more about how you can get better at identifying and closing the gap between reality and your expectations – especially when it comes to your relationship with your partner – in my latest book Healthy Models for Relationships. Here I explain an exercise I have developed called "Expectations versus Reality".  The exercise has 4 steps: Identifying your wishes and expectations – notice what you are “dreaming” of Looking at reality and describing it as it really is Noticing how you feel when you think about reality as it really is Considering what kind of action is appropriate when you look at reality. In other words, how do you actually and truly feel when you are honest about what is actually going on and what action comes to mind… It’s great to do this exercise with a friend – but don’t do it with your partner because then it will be difficult for you to be honest. I've done this exercise with large groups who have absolutely adored the exercise. And I also often use it in one-to-one sessions with clients. So I know from experience that it's such an eye-opener for people and very effective. You can find the full exercise in my book Healthy Models for Relationships – The Basic Principles Behind Good Relationships With Your Partner, Family, Parents, Children, Friends, Colleagues and All the Other People in Your Life. The book is available on Amazon as a paperback and an e-book – and will soon be available as an audiobook read by me http://beamteam.com/en/barbara/healthy_models.html Happy “Getting Real”!   To see all my many articles on MysticLivingToday, click here:     http://beamteam.com/en/barbara/barbara_berger_articles_mystic_living_today.html   About Barbara Berger American-born Barbara Berger is the best-selling author of “The Road to Power – Fast Food for the Soul” (published in 30 languages), “Are You Happy Now? 10 Ways to Live a Happy Life” (published in 21 languages), “The Awakening Human Being – A Guide to the Power of Mind”, and "Find and Follow Your Inner Compass".  Barbara’s latest books include “Healthy Models for Relationships – the Basic Principles Behind Good Relationships” and her autobiography entitled “My Road to Power – Sex, Trauma & Higher Consciousness”.  Barbara lives in Copenhagen, Denmark and works as coach and therapist, helping people around the globe come into alignment with their own true power. For more about Barbara see her Web site:  http://www.beamteam.com