Why Couples Don’t Get Help

      

By Joyce and Barry Vissell

Joyce and Barry Vissell Heartfullness      August 2024 “Why Couples Don't Get Help” A deep and intimate relationship is one of the most rewarding as well as one of the most difficult things in life. To truly give and receive love makes life worth living. Most of us don’t learn enough about this subject growing up or in school. All too often, the modeling we receive from our parents is not very helpful either.   Joyce and I just finished leading a weekend couple’s retreat at Esalen Institute in Big Sur, California. Twenty-six couples attended, which is a large group for us. Every one of the couples had significant issues. Some of the couples were on the verge of separating. But they chose to get help, to come to the retreat, and every couple got the help they needed. Every one of these couples left the weekend more committed and more deeply in love.   But this is not the norm. Many more couples refuse to get the help they need. Here are 7 readons Joyce and I have heard over the fifty years of our counseling/therapy practice:   1.  We should be able to resolve our problems by ourselves. It’s the “do-it-yourself” attitude. These couples keep putting off getting help with the hopes of helping themselves. But, sadly, they often fail. Couples are usually too involved, too partial, and lack the perspective needed to work through issues. I am an enthusiastic DIY’er, but I also recognize the repair projects that are beyond my scope of expertise. Our love relationships are far more important than ordinary repair projects. Expert help is available and vital.               Another aspect of number one is the feeling that asking for help is a sign of weakness. I like to compare this to physical therapy. Seven years ago, I needed to have a partial knee replacement. Afterwards, I needed regular physical therapy sessions to rehabilitate and strengthen my knee. I could have said, “It’s a sign of weakness to go to physical therapy,” but I knew it was necessary for a healthy recovery. It’s the same with couple’s therapy. Strengthening the relationship and a healthy recovery are likewise the goals.   2. Getting help is admitting we have a problem. Yes, this is a common attitude. If these couples don’t ask for help, then magically there is no real problem. It’s kind of like the ostrich trying to hide by sticking its head in the sand. Similar to this is the feeling that their problems are not serious enough to warrant seeking help. Typically, this will come from one partner who is not aware of the gravity of the issues, and the other partner who has been afraid to fully divulge their unhappiness.   3. I’m afraid of what might happen in counseling or therapy. Couples are understandably afraid that their problems might be irreparable, and the counselor or therapist might recommend separation. Please trust that if both of you are willing to do your own individual work, healing is inevitable. But remember, there are no guarantees. Some couples are better off separating. With good help, this can become a clear and even loving decision.   4. I’m afraid that I will be proved to be the problem. While arguing, it is easy for partners to see the other’s faults and issues. When faced with getting expert help, however, each person may fear their own exposed responsibility. A good therapist will never take sides, but will equally support each participant, encouraging each person to look at their own issues   5. We can’t afford professional help. A good therapist/counselor can often help in just a few sessions. It doesn’t have to be a long, drawn-out process. Of course, deeper work might take longer, but don’t let finances get in the way of getting professional help. Compared to the typical cost of a divorce, counseling/therapy is cheap.   6. We tried counseling/therapy and it didn’t help. Again, even the best counselor won’t be able to help you if even one of you is unwilling to address the issues in an open and honest way. But given that you are both onboard to make real changes in your lives and relationships, you can find a good professional. It doesn’t matter how many therapists you try in your quest to find the right one. Every counselor has their own style, personality and methods. It is your responsibility to find the right fit.   7. My partner refuses but I am willing. Don’t let this stop you from seeking help. By all means, go by yourself. You will have the opportunity to learn more about your own part of the issues, and make changes within yourself and your behavior. Joyce and I often see one person, who comes for one of two reasons. First, their partner refuses to get help for all the above reasons. Or second, their partner sends them to get “fixed.” We have seen countless individuals who come to sessions as the identified patient. Many even believe that they, and they only, are the problem in the relationship. We find a way to invite the “healthy” partner to a couple’s session, where we can then find the relationship issues that both partners contribute to.   Early in our relationship, especially with young children, Joyce and I needed help. We were deeply blessed to find a talented and compassionate therapist who helped us tremendously. We will always be grateful for that help.   Occasionally, Joyce and I see a couple who are thriving. They have booked a session for relationship wellness. They want preventive maintenance, to learn new tools for an even deeper intimacy. I can’t tell you how gratifying and refreshing this is for us. Sadly, most couples come to us in crisis. They have waited much too long, suffering needlessly rather than getting the help they need. But we feel it is never too late to get help, if there is a willingness to learn, to grow, and to love. A Couple of Miracles: One Couple, More Than a Few Miracles. Semi-Finalist, Book of the Year, Online Book Club.     Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are passionate about conscious relationship and personal-spiritual growth. They are the authors of 10 books and a free audio album of sacred songs and chants. Visit their web site at https://SharedHeart.org for their free weekly inspirational videos and monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.