Turn it up to 11

      

By Cathy Yuhas, RN, CEOLD

Turn it up to 11   If you’re not familiar with the phrase "Turn it up to 11," it comes from the 1984 film This is Spinal Tap. It means to increase something to its maximum volume, intensity, or limit, going beyond the standard maximum of 10 (imagine an amplifier dial that goes from 1 to 10). The phrase symbolizes pushing past normal boundaries, putting in extra effort, or maximizing performance.  Where I’m going with this is that I recently saw a meme that said: Turn Up Everything. Your Magic. Your Voice. Your Strength. Your Humor. Your Kindness. Your Gratitude. Your Love, and that got me thinking: What would it mean to turn everything up, and what would happen if I did? First of all, I don’t think it means becoming louder for the sake of being loud. I don’t think it means forcing confidence or putting on some shiny “best version of you” costume (or mask). I think turning everything up means you stop living with the volume on your own life turned down. It means stop muting your truth so other people stay comfortable. It means stop editing yourself into something easier to digest. Turning everything up is an inner decision: I will no longer abandon myself to the need to belong. It’s choosing to be fully present in your own skin. It’s letting your heart be the compass instead of your fear (YES, THIS!). It’s allowing the parts of yourself you’ve tucked away to take their rightful place at the table. And if I’m being honest, many of us have been living half-lit. We’ve learned to shrink ourselves in a hundred small ways: don’t say that, don’t want that, don’t take up space, don’t be “too much,” don’t ask for help, don’t charge that, don’t risk being seen. We’ve convinced ourselves that we’re being practical. Some might call it humility. We call it being “nice.” But beneath it all is often the same old contract: If I make myself smaller, I’ll be safe.  So I’m asking myself, what would happen if I turned everything up? Some things would fall away. That’s the truth. If I turned everything up, I would lose the approval I’ve been buying with self-betrayal. I would stop being the person who smooths everything over. I would no longer be available for relationships that require me to disappear to keep the peace. Of course, that would hurt at first because there’s grief in outgrowing who you used to be. There’s grief in realizing how long you’ve been negotiating with your own life. The flip side is, if I turned everything up, I would also get something in return. I would regain my energy, rediscover my humor, and find my clarity. I would stop watching myself from the outside and start truly living from within. I would accept what I receive without apology. I would allow myself rest without feeling the need to earn it. I would claim the space my soul has always yearned to occupy.  And I believe my work would also change—not because I’d become someone else, but because I would stop diluting myself. The things I’m here to offer—truth, tenderness, presence—would be more impactful because they’d come from a person who is no longer shrinking or hiding.  If I could turn it all up, I would turn up the light I came here to anchor. Not to prove myself to anyone, but as a way of simply being. The kind of light that doesn’t need to convince anyone of anything. The clean, quiet kind that allows every moment to be human. I would become the version of myself that is willing to be completely human. The version that stands in the fire, confronts the moment, and doesn’t reach for the old armor.  I’m not here to be palatable. I am here to be true. And that truth is my medicine.   Cathy J. Yuhas, RN, CEOLD, is a registered nurse with 36 years of experience, a certified end-of-life doula, and the founder of Dying Matters, LLC. She is the author of Walking Each Other Home: Guiding Caregivers and Community Through the Sacred Passage of Death, a compassionate guide for honest conversations, caregiving, and end-of-life clarity. She is also a contributing author to Discover the Gift of Joy: How to Experience Joy in Life, Work, and Relationships.   https://www.dyingmatters.llc