Detaching - Chapter 4

      

By Yuan Changming

4/ mao: Orientation of the Spirit Now lying on the cushions and facing the shiny statue of Buddha, he feels too excited to fall into sleep in the shrine hall. Recalling how he has become a quasi-monk since he deserted his home yesterday, he believes that true Buddhism is a pragmatic philosophy as it was originally established by Sakyamuni several thousand years ago, rather than a socialized, ritualized and mystified religion practiced extensively today, especially in East Asia and among Chinese communities all over the world. As such, it can offer him an insightful look into what is going on around him, as well as a specific way of living more congenial than any other alternatives. Guided by the white crow in his dream, he has come to settle at this chan center, where he can live a truly free life of his own. Instead of chanting Buddhist sutras a hundred times a day, two hours at a session like a broken record, going through all kinds of meaningless rituals on every occasion, and strictly observing each reasonable or unreasonable rule of the monastery, he can practice meditation whenever he wants to, take all the time he would need to examine his life as Socrates advised, and perform his janitorial duties both as a physical exercise and in exchange for the accommodations provided by the monastery.        At the same time, he feels particularly satisfied with the physical setting. Though he did not leave for a real African jungle yesterday afternoon as he had often imagined or wished, he has begun to live a solitary or undisturbed life like a real old African elephant. By joining the center as a quasi-monk, he has left the noisy world of the red dust and come to settle in the quietest corner of human life that any true Daoist hermit can hope to find. What makes him feel profoundly relaxed is the way he has, once and forever, let go of all his secular worries or concerns about the wellbeing of his family, about his financial situation, about other people’s attitudes to him, about what is happening in the busy street, about whatever can discompose his mind and heart. While nobody at the center knows anything about or takes any interest in his pasts, he can live a peaceful and reflective life in as much obscurity as solitude or self-isolation.        To bypass sleep inertia after the nap, which feels like something between a dream and a delirium, he tries to do some meditation before getting up. Surprisingly, he finds himself able to sit in padmasana or full lotus posture for the first time in his life. Over the past decade, he has made numerous attempts, but somehow, he just couldn’t perform it because his legs were too stiff, or because his connection with Buddha was too weak as some fellow practitioners tell him. He well knows this is not an easily accomplishable position for anyone. Among countless people coming to learn and practice meditation in the center, very few can take this sitting posture. There is a rumor saying that even KingDharma, the highly influential abbot of the monastery, who is also believed to be the most accomplished chan master in North America, cannot sit in this particular fashion; otherwise, he would not hide his lower extremities behind a table fully covered with golden satin each time he presents himself to the public. Some claim to have clearly seen him sitting in the half-lotus position when he illustrates how to sit in meditation. Anyway, no matter whether the rumor is based on any solid ground or not, Ming feels as much self-amazed as self-complacent. He remembers that his father was, as his mother once told him, beginning to feel bitterly disappointed about his constant failures to take the full lotus position when he suddenly made it one day after he turned sixty. Now the same is true with Ming himself: it is right here in the Richmond Chan Center, at two o’clock on the afternoon of December 2, 2019 that he can sit in padmasana effortlessly all of a sudden. But how come?         No doubt, there may be many plausible explanations, but the best one is that his whole body becomes relaxed in the true sense of the word as a result of the way his mind and heart are completely at ease for the first time. By resolutely retiring from his residence in Vancouver West as the physical symbol of secular life, he has both physically and psychologically farewelled all that is worldly, including what he has been fearing to lose and what he has been hoping to get, ranging from materialistic items like his iPad, computer, car, house and other necessary or luxurious objects to spiritual pursuits like fame, face, power, dignity and love. For him, only by really giving up all such concerns and commodities can he, or anyone else, gain full relaxation, and only by attaining full relaxation of the body and the mind can anyone really sit in exactly the same position as does Buddha himself, Ming thinks.          But is this full-lotus seating posture really symbolic of one’s highest achievement in a physical and spiritual sense at the same time? Ming is not really sure.   After he finishes sweeping and mopping all the floors, he starts to practice free meditation. As he would define it, this type of meditation has two basic versions, one can be seen as self-directed or focused, the other natural or spontaneous, but both are characterized by a flow of the mind, a psychological process in which the practitioner is engaged in recollecting, imagining, contemplating, thinking, daydreaming or a combination of more than two such mental activities. Unlike certain other kinds of meditation that are gaining more popularity in recent years, free meditation has no requirements for body-positioning and breathing control; the practitioner can sit, stand, lie down, squat, walk, take a bath or take any or no particular position in a physical sense, while breathing in any way as one may prefer, so to speak. The key point is to feel comfortable or relaxed physically as well as psychologically. As far as he is concerned, the most enjoyable form is no other than sleeping meditation at night. Lying down on a bed after a whole day’s activities gives him a strong sense of relaxation, and letting his mind take its own course before falling into sleep is what he has been fond of doing since his voice broke. For this reason, he is never bothered by insomnia. Unlike those complaining about their sleeping problems, he actually enjoys it, because he can always do free meditation between dreams. In fact, nearly half of his good and important writings are either conceived or drafted during his sleeping meditations in the nighttime.           With his arms crossed under his head on his plank bed, he begins to ask himself if he has really broken off with the world of sound and fury and given up all his earthly concerns and pursuits, as symbolized by the full lotus sitting posture he has been able to take this afternoon.        Not really, he concludes. Actually still far from having become a true monk-hermit! Since, as so many others have said, life is full of hardships and seldom turns out the way one wants it, what makes people in general, and him in particular, remain alive? In other words, what is really good or enjoyable about living? Simply, why remain alive? Is it because life itself has an irresistible inertia for all living humans? If this is true, where does this inertia originate and how does it function specifically? What’s the true meaning and ultimate purpose of life, if any? To transcend life itself as some philosophers have suggested, or to create a meaning out of it as he himself would say? By the same token, is happiness really the only or the ultimate purpose of life? If so, what are the most important elements that happiness is constituted of then? What is its real psychological and/or materialistic foundation? Is it mainly an insightful understanding of the human nature, life and the world? A positive attitude towards events, situations and people? Or something else? Perhaps a combination of all these probabilities? How to attain a happiness-oriented mentality in a sustainable way? What’s the true worth of life, if there is such a “thing”? He keeps asking himself.        In addition, what wrongs have I done to myself and others? What are the important mistakes have I made? Which are the biggest regrets I’ve had in life? What should I write on my bucket list? Do I have a clear conscience or a sinful soul? What are the sins I have committed? What confessions should I make? Where or to whom can I make my confessions? What are the accounts that I have not been able to square yet in terms of finance, emotion and honor? Having put all I have into the investment portfolio of my life, what returns have I gained? What are my exact losses? Or, in my personal economics of life, what’s my input and output ratio? What’s my rate of return? Are all these gains and losses meaningful to me at all? Should I prepare a detailed and accurate report of all my accounts as a way of examining my life? Can I act as the auditor of my own life’s accounts? To whom can or must I report my final findings about myself? To God? Buddha? Allah? Myself or my other (entangled?) self in a parallel universe? Is there really a soul surviving my physical death? Does my soul need saving? How to get my soul salved? Is there really a transcendental realm like Heaven, Paradise, Sukhavati, Swarga, or Jannah at all? Where can my soul finally settle down, if it does have infinite afterlives? How can I find the true meaning, true worth, and true purpose of my life? What are they respectively anyway? What about the ultimate peace of my soul? How should I interpret my “fate” or “karma” as well as my personality traits and life experiences? How should I account for my relationships with other people and the world? How well do I know my selfhood? Do I really know and understand my authentic self in the first place? ...        He has so many questions unanswered that he can never become a true monk anytime soon even if he wants to, but he is happy to be a hermit as he defines the term for himself, rather than in a Buddhist, Daoist or Confucian way. Living as a quasi-monk now, he has not only plenty of time but the very best kind of microenvironment where he can situate himself to look for answers to all his soul-searching questions. As long as he persists in his quest, he believes that he will and can attain ultimate happiness.       Apart from so many personal concerns with his outer life and inner being, he still has several important pursuits he has not really been able to abandon. The most important one is a book, which he has been thinking of writing for the past 30 years. As he originally planned, this book was going to be neither a work of fiction, nor an academic essay, but a hybrid of disparately different genres. Before settling in the center, he had even updated his outline and decided to put all his effort into it once he found himself geared up for the job, as it was to be his single masterpiece, a super book in which he would write down all his ‘bests’, especially his personal findings about the secrets of life and the world. However, he has never got a chance to sit down and take up his pen, for circumstances kept preventing him from being inspired enough to plunge into the project. Another reason for his repeated delays was that he got no support from his family or friends. Though he did manage to draft a few chapters while he was busy making money like every husband or father in the street, neither his family nor his friend showed the slightest interest in it. Indeed, no one in this world cares about this book except himself.        In fact, each time he thinks about this masterpiece of his to be, he feels more than resentful, sheepish and self-contemptuous, but somehow he believes that his life has a holy mission. To accomplish it, he decides that even with no encouragement of any kind from those close to him, he will follow his heart; once he completes his Book, he will not bother trying to find a publisher; rather, in the words of an old Caucasian friend, he can self-publish it and “just make it available out there.”        Anyway, Ming has neither plan nor hope to make a single penny out of the Book, nor does he intend to please any reader in the first place. “Ignore them all!” he often tells himself privately. He is content to have already won something from everything worthy of human pursuit. Despite all that has gained and lost in this life, this Book remains something yet to be accomplished. It is not that he really needs to make a bit more fame or money out of it, but simply that he was born with a strong desire for self-expression, like all other true artists, like those genuine business people born with an innate craving for money. But why does he have such a desire for self-expression to begin with? Was he really born with such a need? How should he understand it? Perhaps it is because he is too narcissistic or too full of himself? No matter what, he will finish writing his Book though he has never been able to resume the job. For him, to write this Book is to live a human life, but the problem is, his health condition has been declining year by year since his semi-retirement, and, though he has modified his outline several times, he is still unsure about what he is going to write into it or how he should proceed with this all-important project, even about its title. The only thing he knows is, he can never forget this Book of his. If he hopes to die with his eyes fully closed, he must complete it.       Meanwhile, he realizes that he should keep waiting until he becomes inspired enough. Before that juncture arrives, he needs to answer all the important questions he has raised to himself. For reasons unclear to him, he feels compelled to recall, reenact and review all his life experiences that have a meaning for him. Furthermore, he is acutely aware of his own gradual but fundamental conversion from a pessimistic cynic since childhood to an optimistic independent practitioner, yet he has no clear idea about how it all has happened to him. Recently, he often feels sorry that he cannot help others to renovate or rebuild their mentality. Though he has repeatedly encouraged his sons to change themselves from passive consumers to active contributors in a socio-economic sense, he himself has made few contributions to society. If there is one meaningful thing he can do for other people, it must perforce be the revelation of his “secret’ about how he himself has become an informed happy person in spite of his strong natural tendency toward pessimism. Each time he witnesses some positive changes brought about by mentors, inspiring speakers or meditation masters like KingDharma among their audiences, he cannot help admiring them. He wishes to contribute something really useful to his fellow human beings, but alas, he realizes that he may have enough wisdom to save his own soul, but unlike those masters, he has no talent or power to initiate a change for the better even in his wife or sons.          “Like political leaders, those masters are just good brainwashers or drama kings or queens in front of their followers,” a highly accomplished practitioner and close friend once said to him.         “Not only that! They do have something solid and salubrious to offer, since they are capable of generating some positive changes in people’s lives, though some of them are truly quacks or money bags,” Ming replied.         Perhaps he could also make some contributions to society by writing into his Book all his findings about how to attain happiness through self-salvation or spiritual cultivation? Hoping he can live long and healthily enough to materialize it, he quickly finishes his routine work, enters the shrine hall and begins to practice full prostration like a Tibetan Buddhist, something he learned to do at another chan center, where he witnessed how it helped many attendees improve their physical health. Instead of using a cushion, he just does all the movements on the bare floor. He knows that true Tibetan Buddhists would say prayers or chant sutras during the whole process, but he does it as a physical therapy for his neck, heart, joints and muscles rather than as a religious ritual. Of course, he is still quite skeptical about there being any real effect on him as in the cases of many other practitioners, since he is not really religious or “faithful” enough; nevertheless, he wants to give it a try, or enjoy the “benefit of the doubt,” at least for a certain period of time. With a worsening degenerative osteoarthritis that has greatly restricted his mobility, he needs to do something to help himself, since doctors can do nothing about it except saying to him, “This is an incurable problem coming with age, so just live with it.”        He has many other health issues. Ever since he turned forty eight, he has been suffering from one problem after another. First, a terrible shoulder pain caused by adhesive capsulitis persisted for as long as five years, during which prostatitis began to force him to go to washroom at least 3 times a night, making it impossible for him to have a sound sleep. Then, he went through all kinds of pain in other places, from migraine to gout, or from his head all the way down to his toe. While chronical colitis made him waste a couple of precious hours in the washroom every day for up to four years until it was properly diagnosed and cured during his last trip to China, he found in 2010 that he was born with a deformed heart. “There is a perfect hole in your heart muscle!” explained his cardiologist. “The first case was discovered in the early 1980s in a Japanese male patient, who suffered severely from a supposedly severe coronary heart disease. But I assure you that you do not have a heart disease, except that you have all the symptoms of myocardial ischemia, like short of breath, frequent palpitations, even chest discomfort or pain.” Though unsure about his own heart condition, Ming has to believe what the specialists keep telling him. To alleviate all his physical suffering, he has in recent years become interested not only in meditation and spiritual growth but also in the cultivation of optimal health by way of traditional Chinese medicine. Based on what he has learned from various sources, he designed a personalized set of physical exercises for himself, which has proved very conducive. For instance, his serious back pain resulted from a couple of herniated discs has disappeared completely, while such problems as headache, ophthalmalgia, tinnitus, prostatitis and indigestion caused by insufficient gastric mobility have all substantially improved or got under control. As most of the underlying ideas came from his experience in the Richmond Chan Center, he has naturally developed an affinity for the place.         After doing 108 prostrations, he feels both exhausted and excited. Exhausted because full prostration is an exercise no less strenuous than hiking; usually 36 would be enough to make one feel completely pent. Excited because the pleasant Buddhist music allows him to remember all the movements for the exercise and do more prostrations than ever before.        Returning to his cushion bed, he wants to give himself a good respite even if he has to miss his lunch. For him, a nap or sleeping meditation is more needed than anything else at this moment.     Detaching  (Alien Buddha Press, 2024), by Yuan Changming, PhD  https://www.amazon.ca/Detaching-Yuan-Changming/dp/B0DCNN474N) a hybrid work about spiritual cultivation 1/ Return to Roots (cnf collection, Alien Buddha Press) https://https://www.amazon.com/Return-Roots-sketches-southern-Hubei/dp/B0GHNCQRPK /2/ Towards (novel trilogy; Silver Bow Publishing) https://www.amazon.com/Towards-Yuan-Changming/dp/1774034158/ 3/ Museum of Limerence (poetry collection; ABP) https://www.amazon.ca/Museum-Limerence-Silver-Romance-Poetry/dp/B0H3FHC6NG/ 4/ Bamakoola (poetry trilogy; SBP) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0H6HWLNFB