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Taking Back the Keys
How we stop handing our authority away and begin trusting what we know.
How we stop handing our authority away and begin trusting what we know.
Does a baby ever wonder if it is allowed to cry? Does a toddler ever question if their joy is too much?
I wonder because I realize that many of us are just walking around waiting for permission to be ourselves. We keep searching outside ourselves for someone to nod and say, ‘You are allowed now.’ When did we begin to hand that authority to someone else?
Did it start when, as children, we began questioning things and that was seen as disrespectful? Or was it that we were rewarded for being “good,” which really meant compliance? Maybe we were corrected more than we were listened to. Maybe our emotions were dismissed as overreactions. Maybe our instincts were ignored (mmmmhhmmmm). Maybe the adults around us felt uncomfortable with our truth, so we learned to be uncomfortable with it too.
It’s possible that, without realizing it, we've started building a life based on external approval. We relied on teachers to tell us we were smart. EVERY one of my report cards said: Cathy is not working to her full potential. Can you imagine being told that year after year? Because that sentence — “not working to her full potential” — may have looked harmless on a report card, to me it felt like: “You are disappointing us.” You are not enough. You should be more than you are. What if instead, my teachers said: Cathy shows promise, or she is thoughtful or observant. Cathy learns best with confidence and support.
We looked to friends to tell us whether we belonged. As we got older, we depended on partners to tell us we were lovable. We rely on bosses, degrees, titles, certifications, and strangers to tell us we are legitimate.
At first glance, it doesn’t seem to be a problem because approval feels good. Being praised and being chosen both feel good.
But when our authority lives outside of us, we become dependent on someone else’s response before we can trust our next step. The result is that it can cost us our true way of life. It’s like handing over the keys to someone else and forgetting to ask for them back.
I guess there’s a certain safety in that. If things go wrong, you don’t have to take responsibility.
So, how do we take the keys back? By slowing down long enough to notice when we’re about to hand them over. Before we ask five people what they think, we should ask ourselves first:
· What do I already know?
· Am I really confused, or am I just afraid to trust myself?
Then, start small. Make a decision without explaining it to death. Let someone have their reaction to it, but don’t rush to fix it.
We can still listen to advice, but we shouldn’t let it control us automatically. We can remind ourselves that our gut doesn’t need a permission slip. This is the slow return of self-trust. It’s like looking down one day and realizing, “Wait a minute. These choices were mine all along.”
Cathy J. Yuhas, RN, CEOLD
Author of:
Walking Each Other Home
Amazon: https://a.co/d/0bdiAvx5
Life Beneath the Layers
Amazon: https://a.co/d/0a5zHaG9
