Watch Out for “Black & White” Thinking!

      

By Barbara Berger

Barbara Berger   If you want to live a happy life, it’s a good idea to notice when you lapse into black and white thinking!    What is black and white thinking?    Black and white thinking is when you generalize and catastrophize about what’s going on. Black and white thinking is when we mentally make everything extreme.    You know that you are indulging in black and white thinking when you use words like “always” and “never”. Or when you generalize about something or someone and say “everyone” or “no one”.    In other words, black and white thinking has nothing to do with reality because in reality there’s no such thing as “always” or “never”. There’s no state of total perfection or total failure. Reality is much more in between – much more nuanced. And a whole lot kinder than our thinking (fortunately for us).    So how do you know if you’re you’re indulging in black and white thinking? Well you are when you catch yourself saying things like: Always or never. For example: I always fuck up. I’ll never get it right. He’s always late. They’ll never accept me. She’ll never understand. Everyone or no one. For example: When you say: Everyone does it. Or everyone thinks it’s wrong. Or no one cares about me. No one likes me. Or no one will ever understand. Totally or complete. For example: When you say things like: This is totally wrong. I’m a complete failure. He/she is a complete jerk. Statements like this have nothing to do with reality because they are so extreme and unrealistic – and as I said above, they are also very unkind.    As we become more psychologically mature, we begin to see things in a more realistic manner and we are better at not having such unrealistic (extreme) expectations to ourselves, life and other people. People who are more well-adjusted and relaxed about life don’t indulge in so much black and white thinking. They can appreciate that things change and that sometimes you succeed and sometimes you don’t. They also understand that sometimes things work out the way they’d like them to and sometimes they don’t. And they don’t make everything either totally wonderful or absolutely terrible but realize that by sticking to the middle way, life becomes more relaxed more doable and more satisfying. And as a result, they generally feel pretty happy with their lives.    And here’s another thing…   Healthy self improvement Whenever you or I say – I “should” be different than I am – we are really saying we shouldn’t be us. And this, like black and white thinking, is also a very stressful way of thinking and being in the world. And not only is this way of thinking very stressful but it can cause anxiety – and low self-esteem.    Another one of the things that happen when we become more realistic about life and learn to take better care of ourselves is that we stop putting ourselves down and shaming and blaming ourselves for being who we are. We realize that no one is perfect including us. But this doesn’t mean we can’t work to improve ourselves. Of course, we can! The difference here is that healthy self-improvement begins with a sane, humble and realistic assessment of who we are and where we are in our development – and not with ruthless criticism. Healthy self-improvement is based on and grows out of a realistic look at our strengths and weaknesses – and again, not with ruthless criticism – or black and white thinking. When this happens, the mature person can look realistically at himself or herself and say: Ok, well maybe I could do this a little better. Or maybe I’ll work on that for a while. Or maybe I will try that. That sounds like a good idea. That might be good for me. I think I’ll give that a try and see how that works.    This is not the same as saying I “shouldn’t” be me or you “shouldn’t” be you, but rather it’s a healthy realization that everyone can improve and that all growth and learning is an ongoing process which is a whole lot easier when our assessment of ourselves and life is a little more realistic, wholesome, beneficial, balanced and sane.    Being more realistic is almost always a kinder and less stressful way to live.     About Barbara Berger American-born Barbara Berger is the best-selling author of “The Road to Power – Fast Food for the Soul” (published in 30 languages), “Are You Happy Now? 10 Ways to Live a Happy Life” (published in 21 languages) and “The Awakening Human Being – A Guide to the Power of Mind”. Barbara's latest book is "Find and Follow Your Inner Compass – Instant Guidance in an Age of Information Overload". Barbara also works as coach and therapist, helping people around the globe come into alignment with their own true power. For more about Barbara see her Web site:http://www.beamteam.com   ** Below are titles & links to the beautiful work from Barbara. She is a long time contributor and my dear friend :) **   mysticlivingtoday.com – articles by Barbara Berger     The Ultimate Self-Empowerment Tool – Your Inner Compass http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2087    The Key to Happiness; Understanding the Way the Mind Works http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2113   Who would you be if you didn’t know your age? http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2147   The Power of Right Seeing http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2177   Review of Barbara Berger’s book Find and Follow Your Inner Compass by Riki Frahmann http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2184   Are You Here Now? Are You Happy Now? https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2247   Discovering Who You Really Are https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2284   Getting in Touch with Your Heart https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2299   Follow Your Passion & Accept the Consequences https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2324   The Power of the Joyful Giver https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2359   You have nothing to deal with but your own thoughts https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2374   Radio show http://www.blogtalkradio.com/starzcast/2018/09/26/natalie-interviews-barbara-berger--author-on-self-empowerment   Peace Is Your Nature https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2398   The Power of Contemplating Love https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2423   How Can We Serve? https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2452   The Importance of Mind Management https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2472   Focus on the Real – A Way of Dealing with Worry and Catastrophic Thinking https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2499   Nothing External Can Disturb Us https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2527   Just Let Everything Be! https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2548   The Gift of Crisis https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2563   The Power of Asking for Help https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2592&fbclid=IwAR1ZK91thdusdkQTdqu0fHXgarR7Ghv7rmAjR6NypUUfLh2wv1ozLLi-HjU   What does it mean to be psychologically mature? https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2625   The Meaning of Life https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2644   The Power of Praise & Blessing https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2682   Our Unalienable Rights https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2712   Meeting the Family & Keeping Your Peace of Mind https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2737   Healthy Boundaries – the Secret of Good Relationships https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2758   Healthy Parenting https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2777   Wanting What You Have https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2801     NOW IS THE TIME TO THINK POSITIVE https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2813   A Scientific Prayer to Lift Your Consciousness https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2828   Healthy Self Talk about the Body https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2850   Time Are Changing Aren’t They? https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2881   Are You Following Your Inner Compass? https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2904   What Happens When We Don't Listen to Our Inner Compass?   https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2920   Your Right to Be You https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2961   Doing the Right Thing https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2992   Seeing Behind Impermanence https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3026   Opening Your Heart – A Prayer for the New Year https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3051   Welcome to the World of Starbrow and His Amazing Spiritual Adventures https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3050   Use This Simple, Effective Right Reaction Exercise to Tackle Stressful Moments   https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3084   No Healing Without Feeling https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3102   Happiness Is an Inside Job https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3131   The Power of Joy and Laughter https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3158