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Barbara Berger
If you want to live a happy life, it’s a good idea to notice when you lapse into black and white thinking!
What is black and white thinking?
Black and white thinking is when you generalize and catastrophize about what’s going on. Black and white thinking is when we mentally make everything extreme.
You know that you are indulging in black and white thinking when you use words like “always” and “never”. Or when you generalize about something or someone and say “everyone” or “no one”.
In other words, black and white thinking has nothing to do with reality because in reality there’s no such thing as “always” or “never”. There’s no state of total perfection or total failure. Reality is much more in between – much more nuanced. And a whole lot kinder than our thinking (fortunately for us).
So how do you know if you’re you’re indulging in black and white thinking? Well you are when you catch yourself saying things like:
As we become more psychologically mature, we begin to see things in a more realistic manner and we are better at not having such unrealistic (extreme) expectations to ourselves, life and other people. People who are more well-adjusted and relaxed about life don’t indulge in so much black and white thinking. They can appreciate that things change and that sometimes you succeed and sometimes you don’t. They also understand that sometimes things work out the way they’d like them to and sometimes they don’t. And they don’t make everything either totally wonderful or absolutely terrible but realize that by sticking to the middle way, life becomes more relaxed more doable and more satisfying. And as a result, they generally feel pretty happy with their lives.
And here’s another thing…
Healthy self improvement
Whenever you or I say – I “should” be different than I am – we are really saying we shouldn’t be us. And this, like black and white thinking, is also a very stressful way of thinking and being in the world. And not only is this way of thinking very stressful but it can cause anxiety – and low self-esteem.
Another one of the things that happen when we become more realistic about life and learn to take better care of ourselves is that we stop putting ourselves down and shaming and blaming ourselves for being who we are. We realize that no one is perfect including us. But this doesn’t mean we can’t work to improve ourselves. Of course, we can! The difference here is that healthy self-improvement begins with a sane, humble and realistic assessment of who we are and where we are in our development – and not with ruthless criticism. Healthy self-improvement is based on and grows out of a realistic look at our strengths and weaknesses – and again, not with ruthless criticism – or black and white thinking. When this happens, the mature person can look realistically at himself or herself and say: Ok, well maybe I could do this a little better. Or maybe I’ll work on that for a while. Or maybe I will try that. That sounds like a good idea. That might be good for me. I think I’ll give that a try and see how that works.
This is not the same as saying I “shouldn’t” be me or you “shouldn’t” be you, but rather it’s a healthy realization that everyone can improve and that all growth and learning is an ongoing process which is a whole lot easier when our assessment of ourselves and life is a little more realistic, wholesome, beneficial, balanced and sane.
Being more realistic is almost always a kinder and less stressful way to live.
About Barbara Berger
American-born Barbara Berger is the best-selling author of “The Road to Power – Fast Food for the Soul” (published in 30 languages), “Are You Happy Now? 10 Ways to Live a Happy Life” (published in 21 languages) and “The Awakening Human Being – A Guide to the Power of Mind”. Barbara's latest book is "Find and Follow Your Inner Compass – Instant Guidance in an Age of Information Overload". Barbara also works as coach and therapist, helping people around the globe come into alignment with their own true power. For more about Barbara see her Web site:http://www.beamteam.com
** Below are titles & links to the beautiful work from Barbara. She is a long time contributor and my dear friend :) **
mysticlivingtoday.com – articles by Barbara Berger
The Ultimate Self-Empowerment Tool – Your Inner Compass
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2087
The Key to Happiness; Understanding the Way the Mind Works
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2113
Who would you be if you didn’t know your age?
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2147
The Power of Right Seeing
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2177
Review of Barbara Berger’s book Find and Follow Your Inner Compass by Riki Frahmann
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2184
Are You Here Now? Are You Happy Now?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2247
Discovering Who You Really Are
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2284
Getting in Touch with Your Heart
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2299
Follow Your Passion & Accept the Consequences
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2324
The Power of the Joyful Giver
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2359
You have nothing to deal with but your own thoughts
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2374
Radio show
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/starzcast/2018/09/26/natalie-interviews-barbara-berger--author-on-self-empowerment
Peace Is Your Nature
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2398
The Power of Contemplating Love
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2423
How Can We Serve?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2452
The Importance of Mind Management
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2472
Focus on the Real – A Way of Dealing with Worry and Catastrophic Thinking
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2499
Nothing External Can Disturb Us
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2527
Just Let Everything Be!
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2548
The Gift of Crisis
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2563
The Power of Asking for Help
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2592&fbclid=IwAR1ZK91thdusdkQTdqu0fHXgarR7Ghv7rmAjR6NypUUfLh2wv1ozLLi-HjU
What does it mean to be psychologically mature?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2625
The Meaning of Life
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2644
The Power of Praise & Blessing
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2682
Our Unalienable Rights
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2712
Meeting the Family & Keeping Your Peace of Mind
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2737
Healthy Boundaries – the Secret of Good Relationships
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2758
Healthy Parenting
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2777
Wanting What You Have
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2801
NOW IS THE TIME TO THINK POSITIVE
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2813
A Scientific Prayer to Lift Your Consciousness
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2828
Healthy Self Talk about the Body
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2850
Time Are Changing Aren’t They?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2881
Are You Following Your Inner Compass?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2904
What Happens When We Don't Listen to Our Inner Compass? https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2920
Your Right to Be You
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2961
Doing the Right Thing
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2992
Seeing Behind Impermanence
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3026
Opening Your Heart – A Prayer for the New Year
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3051
Welcome to the World of Starbrow and His Amazing Spiritual Adventures
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3050
Use This Simple, Effective Right Reaction Exercise to Tackle Stressful Moments
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3084
No Healing Without Feeling
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3102
Happiness Is an Inside Job
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3131
The Power of Joy and Laughter
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3158
What is black and white thinking?
Black and white thinking is when you generalize and catastrophize about what’s going on. Black and white thinking is when we mentally make everything extreme.
You know that you are indulging in black and white thinking when you use words like “always” and “never”. Or when you generalize about something or someone and say “everyone” or “no one”.
In other words, black and white thinking has nothing to do with reality because in reality there’s no such thing as “always” or “never”. There’s no state of total perfection or total failure. Reality is much more in between – much more nuanced. And a whole lot kinder than our thinking (fortunately for us).
So how do you know if you’re you’re indulging in black and white thinking? Well you are when you catch yourself saying things like:
- Always or never. For example: I always fuck up. I’ll never get it right. He’s always late. They’ll never accept me. She’ll never understand.
- Everyone or no one. For example: When you say: Everyone does it. Or everyone thinks it’s wrong. Or no one cares about me. No one likes me. Or no one will ever understand.
- Totally or complete. For example: When you say things like: This is totally wrong. I’m a complete failure. He/she is a complete jerk.
As we become more psychologically mature, we begin to see things in a more realistic manner and we are better at not having such unrealistic (extreme) expectations to ourselves, life and other people. People who are more well-adjusted and relaxed about life don’t indulge in so much black and white thinking. They can appreciate that things change and that sometimes you succeed and sometimes you don’t. They also understand that sometimes things work out the way they’d like them to and sometimes they don’t. And they don’t make everything either totally wonderful or absolutely terrible but realize that by sticking to the middle way, life becomes more relaxed more doable and more satisfying. And as a result, they generally feel pretty happy with their lives.
And here’s another thing…
Healthy self improvement
Whenever you or I say – I “should” be different than I am – we are really saying we shouldn’t be us. And this, like black and white thinking, is also a very stressful way of thinking and being in the world. And not only is this way of thinking very stressful but it can cause anxiety – and low self-esteem.
Another one of the things that happen when we become more realistic about life and learn to take better care of ourselves is that we stop putting ourselves down and shaming and blaming ourselves for being who we are. We realize that no one is perfect including us. But this doesn’t mean we can’t work to improve ourselves. Of course, we can! The difference here is that healthy self-improvement begins with a sane, humble and realistic assessment of who we are and where we are in our development – and not with ruthless criticism. Healthy self-improvement is based on and grows out of a realistic look at our strengths and weaknesses – and again, not with ruthless criticism – or black and white thinking. When this happens, the mature person can look realistically at himself or herself and say: Ok, well maybe I could do this a little better. Or maybe I’ll work on that for a while. Or maybe I will try that. That sounds like a good idea. That might be good for me. I think I’ll give that a try and see how that works.
This is not the same as saying I “shouldn’t” be me or you “shouldn’t” be you, but rather it’s a healthy realization that everyone can improve and that all growth and learning is an ongoing process which is a whole lot easier when our assessment of ourselves and life is a little more realistic, wholesome, beneficial, balanced and sane.
Being more realistic is almost always a kinder and less stressful way to live.
About Barbara Berger
American-born Barbara Berger is the best-selling author of “The Road to Power – Fast Food for the Soul” (published in 30 languages), “Are You Happy Now? 10 Ways to Live a Happy Life” (published in 21 languages) and “The Awakening Human Being – A Guide to the Power of Mind”. Barbara's latest book is "Find and Follow Your Inner Compass – Instant Guidance in an Age of Information Overload". Barbara also works as coach and therapist, helping people around the globe come into alignment with their own true power. For more about Barbara see her Web site:http://www.beamteam.com
** Below are titles & links to the beautiful work from Barbara. She is a long time contributor and my dear friend :) **
mysticlivingtoday.com – articles by Barbara Berger
The Ultimate Self-Empowerment Tool – Your Inner Compass
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2087
The Key to Happiness; Understanding the Way the Mind Works
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2113
Who would you be if you didn’t know your age?
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2147
The Power of Right Seeing
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2177
Review of Barbara Berger’s book Find and Follow Your Inner Compass by Riki Frahmann
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2184
Are You Here Now? Are You Happy Now?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2247
Discovering Who You Really Are
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2284
Getting in Touch with Your Heart
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2299
Follow Your Passion & Accept the Consequences
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2324
The Power of the Joyful Giver
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2359
You have nothing to deal with but your own thoughts
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2374
Radio show
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/starzcast/2018/09/26/natalie-interviews-barbara-berger--author-on-self-empowerment
Peace Is Your Nature
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2398
The Power of Contemplating Love
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2423
How Can We Serve?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2452
The Importance of Mind Management
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2472
Focus on the Real – A Way of Dealing with Worry and Catastrophic Thinking
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2499
Nothing External Can Disturb Us
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2527
Just Let Everything Be!
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2548
The Gift of Crisis
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2563
The Power of Asking for Help
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2592&fbclid=IwAR1ZK91thdusdkQTdqu0fHXgarR7Ghv7rmAjR6NypUUfLh2wv1ozLLi-HjU
What does it mean to be psychologically mature?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2625
The Meaning of Life
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2644
The Power of Praise & Blessing
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2682
Our Unalienable Rights
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2712
Meeting the Family & Keeping Your Peace of Mind
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2737
Healthy Boundaries – the Secret of Good Relationships
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2758
Healthy Parenting
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2777
Wanting What You Have
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2801
NOW IS THE TIME TO THINK POSITIVE
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2813
A Scientific Prayer to Lift Your Consciousness
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2828
Healthy Self Talk about the Body
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2850
Time Are Changing Aren’t They?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2881
Are You Following Your Inner Compass?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2904
What Happens When We Don't Listen to Our Inner Compass? https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2920
Your Right to Be You
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2961
Doing the Right Thing
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2992
Seeing Behind Impermanence
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3026
Opening Your Heart – A Prayer for the New Year
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3051
Welcome to the World of Starbrow and His Amazing Spiritual Adventures
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3050
Use This Simple, Effective Right Reaction Exercise to Tackle Stressful Moments
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3084
No Healing Without Feeling
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3102
Happiness Is an Inside Job
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3131
The Power of Joy and Laughter
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3158
