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Barbara Berger
I’ve been working as a coach and therapist for many years and I’ve discovered that the ability to say no and disagree skillfully with our friends and families can be really challenging for so many people. So I’ve spent a lot of time studying and working with constructive communications techniques and have learned that in most situations it is actually possible to say no, set limits and disagree with other people in a respectful and diplomatic way. The problem is most of us never learned how to communicate in a good way and be assertive. The good news is that when we do learn how to do this, we find it’s much easier to disagree with other people, say no, take good care of ourselves, and set limits.
So how does this work?
Here’s the short version of what I teach my clients: When someone comes to you with their request or demand, you can reply to them with sentences that are made up of two parts. In the first part of the sentence, you acknowledge that you heard the other person and in the second part of the sentence, you deliver your response. So your reply goes something like this:
- I can understand that this is important for you – and this is really not something for me.
- Yes I can relate to what you’re saying – and I’m not really interested.
- Thank you for thinking of me – and no thanks.
This is a skillful way to deal with whatever people are saying or asking because you begin by acknowledging that you hear the other person and that you understand what he or she is saying (and even appreciate their concern). And then, once you let the person know that you hear them, you can come with your response which is your no or your opinion or ideas or your setting limits.
Here are some more examples:
Example one:
Other person: “We’re really counting on your coming to our little get-together on Friday. It will be good for you to get out and meet some new people.”
Your response: “Thank you so much for thinking of me and I can’t make it that evening.”
Other person: “But we’re counting on your coming.”
Your response: “I really appreciate you’re thinking of me and I can’t come that evening.”
If the person keeps on, you just keep repeating what you said. Sooner or later the other person will give up.
Example two:
Other person: “I really think you should take that job, it would be good for you.”
Your response: “Yes I can relate to what you’re saying and it’s simply not for me.”
Other person: “But can’t you see what a great job opportunity this would be for you. You could learn so much.”
Your response: “Yes thank you for thinking of me and it’s simply not for me.”
When you take care of yourself assertively in this way, it’s good to remember the other person probably won’t agree with you and doesn’t have to. Being assertive doesn’t have anything to do with winning arguments or being right. Being assertive is about expressing your point of view and taking good care of yourself. It’s not about winning and losing. So be willing to hear and acknowledge the other person’s point of view (“you could be right”) and then clearly state your own position (“and it’s not for me”). When you have stated your position, don’t expect the other person to agree with you. He or she probably won’t. In fact, expect the other person to argue with you or ask you again for whatever they are trying to convince you of. Again, when you have heard what they say, you can just repeat your own position or point of view again, kindly but firmly. You don’t have to come up with new explanations or arguments, just repeat what you said before. “Thank you so much for thinking of me, I really appreciate it, and I can’t come Friday evening.” Just stay in your own business and repeat your position or decision. Remember – you are responsible for your feelings and opinions about the matter. The other person is responsible for his or her feelings and opinions about the matter. Each person has a right to his/her feelings and opinions. You don’t have to justify, offer explanations or find excuses for your choices, opinions, beliefs or behavior. (You might want to explain but the important point to remember is that you don’t have to. You have the right to be you!)
So to summarize, here are the main points to keep in mind:
- State your position as clearly as you can.
- Be kind but firm.
- Don’t expect the other person to agree with you.
- Be willing to hear the other person’s point of view.
- Don’t be afraid to repeat yourself, kindly but firmly.
- Don’t attack or criticize the other person.
- Stay in your own business.
- You are responsible for your feelings about the matter.
- The other person is responsible for his/her feelings about the matter.
- You don’t need to offer explanations or excuses for your choices, opinions or behavior.
- Show the other person you hear them and understand what they are saying.
- Don’t make the other person wrong just because he/she doesn’t agree with you.
- Don’t make yourself wrong (or criticize or excuse yourself).
Here are some more some more good ways to acknowledge the other person’s point of view while maintaining your own rights, position, and point of view. You can say things like:
- I can understand that you feel that way and in my experience, I find that...
- You could be right and I prefer to do it this way….
- I can understand your point of view and I would rather not …
- I really appreciate your feelings (point of view) in this matter and I still…
- I sympathize with you and I would rather…
- I appreciate your thinking of me and the answer is no.
And finally, learning to say no, set limits and be assertive like this takes practice. It’s not something one learns in a day or two, it really does take practice. In the beginning, it can often help to write things down so you can remind yourself of what you want to say when you know you’re going to be talking to someone you have difficulty saying no to.
And for beginners, when someone catches you off guard with a request and you’re not sure how to respond – another good technique is to ask for a time. So to go back to example one, here’s how asking for time works:
Example one:
Other person: “We’re really counting on your coming to our little get-together on Friday. It will be good for you to get out and meet some new people.”
Your response: “I really appreciate your thinking of me; let me look at my calendar and I’ll get back to you tomorrow.”
Other person: “But we’re counting on your coming.”
Your response: “I really appreciate you’re thinking of me and I’ll get back to you tomorrow.”
By postponing your response in this way, you give yourself time to plan how to deal with the situation assertively when you call back and respond.
For more about constructive communications techniques see Part Two of my book “Find and Follow Your Inner Compass” or Chapter 3 in my book “Are You Happy Now? 10 Ways to Live a Happy Life”.
_____
About Barbara Berger
American-born Barbara Berger is the best-selling author of “The Road to Power – Fast Food for the Soul” (published in 30 languages), “Are You Happy Now? 10 Ways to Live a Happy Life” (published in 21 languages) and “The Awakening Human Being – A Guide to the Power of Mind”. Barbara's latest book is "Find and Follow Your Inner Compass – Instant Guidance in an Age of Information Overload". Barbara also works as coach and therapist, helping people around the globe come into alignment with their own true power. For more about Barbara see her Web site:
http://www.beamteam.com
** Below are titles & links to the beautiful work from Barbara. She is a long time contributor and my
dear friend :) **
mysticlivingtoday.com – articles by Barbara Berger
The Ultimate Self-Empowerment Tool – Your Inner Compass
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2087
The Key to Happiness; Understanding the Way the Mind Works
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2113
Who would you be if you didn’t know your age?
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2147
The Power of Right Seeing
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2177
Review of Barbara Berger’s book Find and Follow Your Inner Compass by Riki Frahmann
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2184
Are You Here Now? Are You Happy Now?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2247
Discovering Who You Really Are
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2284
Getting in Touch with Your Heart
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2299
Follow Your Passion & Accept the Consequences
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2324
The Power of the Joyful Giver
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2359
You have nothing to deal with but your own thoughts
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2374
Radio show
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/starzcast/2018/09/26/natalie-interviews-barbara-berger--author-on-self-empowerment
Peace Is Your Nature
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2398
The Power of Contemplating Love
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2423
How Can We Serve?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2452
The Importance of Mind Management
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2472
Focus on the Real – A Way of Dealing with Worry and Catastrophic Thinking
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2499
Nothing External Can Disturb Us
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2527
Just Let Everything Be!
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2548
The Gift of Crisis
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2563
The Power of Asking for Help
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2592&fbclid=IwAR1ZK91thdusdkQTdqu0fHXgarR7Ghv7rmAjR6NypUUfLh2wv1ozLLi-HjU
What does it mean to be psychologically mature?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2625
The Meaning of Life
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2644
The Power of Praise & Blessing
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2682
Our Unalienable Rights
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2712
Meeting the Family & Keeping Your Peace of Mind
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2737
Healthy Boundaries – the Secret of Good Relationships
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2758
Healthy Parenting
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2777
Wanting What You Have
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2801
NOW IS THE TIME TO THINK POSITIVE
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2813
A Scientific Prayer to Lift Your Consciousness
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2828
Healthy Self Talk about the Body
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2850
Time Are Changing Aren’t They?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2881
Are You Following Your Inner Compass?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2904
What Happens When We Don't Listen to Our Inner Compass?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3158
Your Right to Be You
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2961
Doing the Right Thing
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2992
Seeing Behind Impermanence
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3026
Opening Your Heart – A Prayer for the New Year
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3051
Welcome to the World of Starbrow and His Amazing Spiritual Adventures
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3050
Use This Simple, Effective Right Reaction Exercise to Tackle Stressful Moments
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3084
No Healing Without Feeling
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3102
Happiness Is an Inside Job
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3131
The Power of Joy and Laughter
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3158
Watch Out for Black and White Thinking!
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3173
The Power of Eating Less
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3217
So how does this work?
Here’s the short version of what I teach my clients: When someone comes to you with their request or demand, you can reply to them with sentences that are made up of two parts. In the first part of the sentence, you acknowledge that you heard the other person and in the second part of the sentence, you deliver your response. So your reply goes something like this:
- I can understand that this is important for you – and this is really not something for me.
- Yes I can relate to what you’re saying – and I’m not really interested.
- Thank you for thinking of me – and no thanks.
This is a skillful way to deal with whatever people are saying or asking because you begin by acknowledging that you hear the other person and that you understand what he or she is saying (and even appreciate their concern). And then, once you let the person know that you hear them, you can come with your response which is your no or your opinion or ideas or your setting limits.
Here are some more examples:
Example one:
Other person: “We’re really counting on your coming to our little get-together on Friday. It will be good for you to get out and meet some new people.”
Your response: “Thank you so much for thinking of me and I can’t make it that evening.”
Other person: “But we’re counting on your coming.”
Your response: “I really appreciate you’re thinking of me and I can’t come that evening.”
If the person keeps on, you just keep repeating what you said. Sooner or later the other person will give up.
Example two:
Other person: “I really think you should take that job, it would be good for you.”
Your response: “Yes I can relate to what you’re saying and it’s simply not for me.”
Other person: “But can’t you see what a great job opportunity this would be for you. You could learn so much.”
Your response: “Yes thank you for thinking of me and it’s simply not for me.”
When you take care of yourself assertively in this way, it’s good to remember the other person probably won’t agree with you and doesn’t have to. Being assertive doesn’t have anything to do with winning arguments or being right. Being assertive is about expressing your point of view and taking good care of yourself. It’s not about winning and losing. So be willing to hear and acknowledge the other person’s point of view (“you could be right”) and then clearly state your own position (“and it’s not for me”). When you have stated your position, don’t expect the other person to agree with you. He or she probably won’t. In fact, expect the other person to argue with you or ask you again for whatever they are trying to convince you of. Again, when you have heard what they say, you can just repeat your own position or point of view again, kindly but firmly. You don’t have to come up with new explanations or arguments, just repeat what you said before. “Thank you so much for thinking of me, I really appreciate it, and I can’t come Friday evening.” Just stay in your own business and repeat your position or decision. Remember – you are responsible for your feelings and opinions about the matter. The other person is responsible for his or her feelings and opinions about the matter. Each person has a right to his/her feelings and opinions. You don’t have to justify, offer explanations or find excuses for your choices, opinions, beliefs or behavior. (You might want to explain but the important point to remember is that you don’t have to. You have the right to be you!)
So to summarize, here are the main points to keep in mind:
- State your position as clearly as you can.
- Be kind but firm.
- Don’t expect the other person to agree with you.
- Be willing to hear the other person’s point of view.
- Don’t be afraid to repeat yourself, kindly but firmly.
- Don’t attack or criticize the other person.
- Stay in your own business.
- You are responsible for your feelings about the matter.
- The other person is responsible for his/her feelings about the matter.
- You don’t need to offer explanations or excuses for your choices, opinions or behavior.
- Show the other person you hear them and understand what they are saying.
- Don’t make the other person wrong just because he/she doesn’t agree with you.
- Don’t make yourself wrong (or criticize or excuse yourself).
Here are some more some more good ways to acknowledge the other person’s point of view while maintaining your own rights, position, and point of view. You can say things like:
- I can understand that you feel that way and in my experience, I find that...
- You could be right and I prefer to do it this way….
- I can understand your point of view and I would rather not …
- I really appreciate your feelings (point of view) in this matter and I still…
- I sympathize with you and I would rather…
- I appreciate your thinking of me and the answer is no.
And finally, learning to say no, set limits and be assertive like this takes practice. It’s not something one learns in a day or two, it really does take practice. In the beginning, it can often help to write things down so you can remind yourself of what you want to say when you know you’re going to be talking to someone you have difficulty saying no to.
And for beginners, when someone catches you off guard with a request and you’re not sure how to respond – another good technique is to ask for a time. So to go back to example one, here’s how asking for time works:
Example one:
Other person: “We’re really counting on your coming to our little get-together on Friday. It will be good for you to get out and meet some new people.”
Your response: “I really appreciate your thinking of me; let me look at my calendar and I’ll get back to you tomorrow.”
Other person: “But we’re counting on your coming.”
Your response: “I really appreciate you’re thinking of me and I’ll get back to you tomorrow.”
By postponing your response in this way, you give yourself time to plan how to deal with the situation assertively when you call back and respond.
For more about constructive communications techniques see Part Two of my book “Find and Follow Your Inner Compass” or Chapter 3 in my book “Are You Happy Now? 10 Ways to Live a Happy Life”.
_____
About Barbara Berger
American-born Barbara Berger is the best-selling author of “The Road to Power – Fast Food for the Soul” (published in 30 languages), “Are You Happy Now? 10 Ways to Live a Happy Life” (published in 21 languages) and “The Awakening Human Being – A Guide to the Power of Mind”. Barbara's latest book is "Find and Follow Your Inner Compass – Instant Guidance in an Age of Information Overload". Barbara also works as coach and therapist, helping people around the globe come into alignment with their own true power. For more about Barbara see her Web site:
http://www.beamteam.com
** Below are titles & links to the beautiful work from Barbara. She is a long time contributor and my
dear friend :) **
mysticlivingtoday.com – articles by Barbara Berger
The Ultimate Self-Empowerment Tool – Your Inner Compass
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2087
The Key to Happiness; Understanding the Way the Mind Works
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2113
Who would you be if you didn’t know your age?
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2147
The Power of Right Seeing
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2177
Review of Barbara Berger’s book Find and Follow Your Inner Compass by Riki Frahmann
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2184
Are You Here Now? Are You Happy Now?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2247
Discovering Who You Really Are
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2284
Getting in Touch with Your Heart
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2299
Follow Your Passion & Accept the Consequences
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2324
The Power of the Joyful Giver
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2359
You have nothing to deal with but your own thoughts
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2374
Radio show
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/starzcast/2018/09/26/natalie-interviews-barbara-berger--author-on-self-empowerment
Peace Is Your Nature
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2398
The Power of Contemplating Love
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2423
How Can We Serve?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2452
The Importance of Mind Management
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2472
Focus on the Real – A Way of Dealing with Worry and Catastrophic Thinking
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2499
Nothing External Can Disturb Us
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2527
Just Let Everything Be!
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2548
The Gift of Crisis
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2563
The Power of Asking for Help
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2592&fbclid=IwAR1ZK91thdusdkQTdqu0fHXgarR7Ghv7rmAjR6NypUUfLh2wv1ozLLi-HjU
What does it mean to be psychologically mature?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2625
The Meaning of Life
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2644
The Power of Praise & Blessing
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2682
Our Unalienable Rights
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2712
Meeting the Family & Keeping Your Peace of Mind
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2737
Healthy Boundaries – the Secret of Good Relationships
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2758
Healthy Parenting
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2777
Wanting What You Have
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2801
NOW IS THE TIME TO THINK POSITIVE
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2813
A Scientific Prayer to Lift Your Consciousness
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2828
Healthy Self Talk about the Body
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2850
Time Are Changing Aren’t They?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2881
Are You Following Your Inner Compass?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2904
What Happens When We Don't Listen to Our Inner Compass?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3158
Your Right to Be You
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2961
Doing the Right Thing
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2992
Seeing Behind Impermanence
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3026
Opening Your Heart – A Prayer for the New Year
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3051
Welcome to the World of Starbrow and His Amazing Spiritual Adventures
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3050
Use This Simple, Effective Right Reaction Exercise to Tackle Stressful Moments
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3084
No Healing Without Feeling
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3102
Happiness Is an Inside Job
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3131
The Power of Joy and Laughter
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3158
Watch Out for Black and White Thinking!
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3173
The Power of Eating Less
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3217
