Good Ways to Say No and Set Limits

      

By Barbara Berger

Barbara Berger   I’ve been working as a coach and therapist for many years and I’ve discovered that the ability to say no and disagree skillfully with our friends and families can be really challenging for so many people. So I’ve spent a lot of time studying and working with constructive communications techniques and have learned that in most situations it is actually possible to say no, set limits and disagree with other people in a respectful and diplomatic way. The problem is most of us never learned how to communicate in a good way and be assertive. The good news is that when we do learn how to do this, we find it’s much easier to disagree with other people, say no, take good care of ourselves, and set limits.    So how does this work?    Here’s the short version of what I teach my clients:  When someone comes to you with their request or demand, you can reply to them with sentences that are made up of two parts.  In the first part of the sentence, you acknowledge that you heard the other person and in the second part of the sentence, you deliver your response. So your reply goes something like this: -    I can understand that this is important for you – and this is really not something for me. -    Yes I can relate to what you’re saying – and I’m not really interested. -    Thank you for thinking of me – and no thanks.    This is a skillful way to deal with whatever people are saying or asking because you begin by acknowledging that you hear the other person and that you understand what he or she is saying (and even appreciate their concern). And then, once you let the person know that you hear them, you can come with your response which is your no or your opinion or ideas or your setting limits.    Here are some more examples:    Example one:    Other person: “We’re really counting on your coming to our little get-together on Friday. It will be good for you to get out and meet some new people.”    Your response: “Thank you so much for thinking of me and I can’t make it that evening.”    Other person: “But we’re counting on your coming.”    Your response: “I really appreciate you’re thinking of me and I can’t come that evening.”    If the person keeps on, you just keep repeating what you said. Sooner or later the other person will give up.    Example two:    Other person: “I really think you should take that job, it would be good for you.”    Your response: “Yes I can relate to what you’re saying and it’s simply not for me.”    Other person: “But can’t you see what a great job opportunity this would be for you. You could learn so much.”    Your response: “Yes thank you for thinking of me and it’s simply not for me.”    When you take care of yourself assertively in this way, it’s good to remember the other person probably won’t agree with you and doesn’t have to. Being assertive doesn’t have anything to do with winning arguments or being right. Being assertive is about expressing your point of view and taking good care of yourself. It’s not about winning and losing. So be willing to hear and acknowledge the other person’s point of view (“you could be right”) and then clearly state your own position (“and it’s not for me”). When you have stated your position, don’t expect the other person to agree with you. He or she probably won’t. In fact, expect the other person to argue with you or ask you again for whatever they are trying to convince you of. Again, when you have heard what they say, you can just repeat your own position or point of view again, kindly but firmly. You don’t have to come up with new explanations or arguments, just repeat what you said before. “Thank you so much for thinking of me, I really appreciate it, and I can’t come Friday evening.”  Just stay in your own business and repeat your position or decision. Remember – you are responsible for your feelings and opinions about the matter. The other person is responsible for his or her feelings and opinions about the matter. Each person has a right to his/her feelings and opinions. You don’t have to justify, offer explanations or find excuses for your choices, opinions, beliefs or behavior. (You might want to explain but the important point to remember is that you don’t have to. You have the right to be you!)    So to summarize, here are the main points to keep in mind: -    State your position as clearly as you can. -    Be kind but firm. -    Don’t expect the other person to agree with you. -    Be willing to hear the other person’s point of view. -    Don’t be afraid to repeat yourself, kindly but firmly. -    Don’t attack or criticize the other person. -    Stay in your own business. -    You are responsible for your feelings about the matter. -    The other person is responsible for his/her feelings about the matter. -    You don’t need to offer explanations or excuses for your choices, opinions or behavior. -    Show the other person you hear them and understand what they are saying. -    Don’t make the other person wrong just because he/she doesn’t agree with you. -    Don’t make yourself wrong (or criticize or excuse yourself). Here are some more some more good ways to acknowledge the other person’s point of view while maintaining your own rights, position, and point of view. You can say things like: -    I can understand that you feel that way and in my experience, I find that... -    You could be right and I prefer to do it this way…. -    I can understand your point of view and I would rather not … -    I really appreciate your feelings (point of view) in this matter and I still… -    I sympathize with you and I would rather… -    I appreciate your thinking of me and the answer is no. And finally, learning to say no, set limits and be assertive like this takes practice. It’s not something one learns in a day or two, it really does take practice. In the beginning, it can often help to write things down so you can remind yourself of what you want to say when you know you’re going to be talking to someone you have difficulty saying no to.    And for beginners, when someone catches you off guard with a request and you’re not sure how to respond – another good technique is to ask for a time. So to go back to example one, here’s how asking for time works: Example one:    Other person: “We’re really counting on your coming to our little get-together on Friday. It will be good for you to get out and meet some new people.”    Your response: “I really appreciate your thinking of me; let me look at my calendar and I’ll get back to you tomorrow.”    Other person: “But we’re counting on your coming.”    Your response: “I really appreciate you’re thinking of me and I’ll get back to you tomorrow.”    By postponing your response in this way, you give yourself time to plan how to deal with the situation assertively when you call back and respond.       For more about constructive communications techniques see Part Two of my book “Find and Follow Your Inner Compass” or Chapter 3 in my book “Are You Happy Now? 10 Ways to Live a Happy Life”. _____ About Barbara Berger American-born Barbara Berger is the best-selling author of “The Road to Power – Fast Food for the Soul” (published in 30 languages), “Are You Happy Now? 10 Ways to Live a Happy Life” (published in 21 languages) and “The Awakening Human Being – A Guide to the Power of Mind”. Barbara's latest book is "Find and Follow Your Inner Compass – Instant Guidance in an Age of Information Overload". Barbara also works as coach and therapist, helping people around the globe come into alignment with their own true power. For more about Barbara see her Web site: http://www.beamteam.com  ** Below are titles & links to the beautiful work from Barbara. She is a long time contributor and my dear friend :) ** mysticlivingtoday.com – articles by Barbara Berger   The Ultimate Self-Empowerment Tool – Your Inner Compass http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2087 The Key to Happiness; Understanding the Way the Mind Works http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2113 Who would you be if you didn’t know your age? http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2147 The Power of Right Seeing https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2177 Review of Barbara Berger’s book Find and Follow Your Inner Compass by Riki Frahmann http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2184 Are You Here Now? Are You Happy Now? https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2247 Discovering Who You Really Are https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2284 Getting in Touch with Your Heart https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2299 Follow Your Passion & Accept the Consequences https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2324 The Power of the Joyful Giver https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2359 You have nothing to deal with but your own thoughts https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2374 Radio show http://www.blogtalkradio.com/starzcast/2018/09/26/natalie-interviews-barbara-berger--author-on-self-empowerment Peace Is Your Nature https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2398 The Power of Contemplating Love https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2423 How Can We Serve? https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2452 The Importance of Mind Management https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2472 Focus on the Real – A Way of Dealing with Worry and Catastrophic Thinking https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2499 Nothing External Can Disturb Us https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2527 Just Let Everything Be! https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2548 The Gift of Crisis https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2563 The Power of Asking for Help https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2592&fbclid=IwAR1ZK91thdusdkQTdqu0fHXgarR7Ghv7rmAjR6NypUUfLh2wv1ozLLi-HjU What does it mean to be psychologically mature? https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2625 The Meaning of Life https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2644 The Power of Praise & Blessing https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2682 Our Unalienable Rights https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2712 Meeting the Family & Keeping Your Peace of Mind https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2737 Healthy Boundaries – the Secret of Good Relationships https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2758 Healthy Parenting https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2777 Wanting What You Have https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2801 NOW IS THE TIME TO THINK POSITIVE https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2813 A Scientific Prayer to Lift Your Consciousness https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2828 Healthy Self Talk about the Body https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2850 Time Are Changing Aren’t They? https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2881 Are You Following Your Inner Compass? https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2904 What Happens When We Don't Listen to Our Inner Compass?    https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3158 Your Right to Be You https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2961 Doing the Right Thing https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2992 Seeing Behind Impermanence https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3026 Opening Your Heart – A Prayer for the New Year https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3051 Welcome to the World of Starbrow and His Amazing Spiritual Adventures https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3050 Use This Simple, Effective Right Reaction Exercise to Tackle Stressful Moments   https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3084 No Healing Without Feeling https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3102 Happiness Is an Inside Job https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3131 The Power of Joy and Laughter https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3158 Watch Out for Black and White Thinking! https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3173 The Power of Eating Less https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3217