.jpg)
Barbara Berger
Do you worry about meeting your family during the holiday season? Many people do even though they sincerely love their family. People are different, also in families – with different ideas, different opinions, different lifestyles – so meeting the family can be challenging for many of us. Since I work daily as a therapist, I have learned that many people actually dread family get-togethers even if they usually won’t admit it to family and friends. But to me, people often will admit how they really feel.
So here are a few tips that can perhaps help you be a little more realistic (and relaxed) about meeting your family this year.
First of all, it’s a good idea to understand that the discomfort we often feel arises for many reasons. So let’s examine some of the reasons why this happens because this can give us a little more peace of mind. It’s good to remember that each individual lives in his/her own mental universe. This is a universal law. This also means there is no common experience even at family get-togethers. What one person experiences has nothing to do with what the other person or people experience. What I experience has nothing to do with what you experience. One person can think everything is just wonderful and be having a good time while the next person can be having quite a different experience. So remember, just because you think things went well, it doesn’t mean everyone else shares your experience. And vice versus, just because you feel unhappy or uncomfortable, it doesn’t mean everyone else felt the same way. This is because we can only experience our own thoughts, stories and interpretation of events. So there is no one common “family” experience but as many different experiences as there are people present. And we don’t (we can’t) experience what the other people are thinking or their stories about what’s going on – we can only experience what is in our own heads.
When you understand this, you can also see that since each person is living and experiencing his/her own mental universe, this must include not only his or her beliefs, thoughts and stories (programming) but also the healthy or unhealthy behavior that arises as a result of these beliefs and stories. Based on this understanding, here are some good things to remind yourself of before you meet the family.
1) It’s not your job to fix it
You are not responsible for what the other people in your family are feeling and experiencing. Remind yourself that everyone is feeling and experiencing what they are feeling and experiencing because of their own individual thoughts and beliefs. Their happiness or unhappiness is a result of their interpretation of what is going on. You can’t change this. You can’t prevent this from happening. This is universal law – an impersonal mechanism.
Also meeting the family often triggers each member’s issues. And again, you can’t prevent this from happening and you can’t change this. Nor are you to blame for this happening. This is also an impersonal universal mechanism.
And this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be respectful, kind, considerate, polite, and loving. Nor does it mean you shouldn’t have healthy boundaries, be treated with respect, learn to communicate clearly and set limits as to what is ok for you and what is not. But you are not responsible for other people’s happiness. Quite simply because you can’t get inside other people’s heads and control what they are thinking and feeling.
2) Mind your own business
If other people have problems or issues when the family gets together, then it’s their job to figure out how to deal with their problems. He or she can go to therapy, read books, and do whatever it takes to deal with their issues. It’s not your job. You can be supportive of other people, but you can’t fix them. Your job is to deal with your own issues. And this doesn’t mean you can’t say what you think. You can. And yes, all our words and actions have consequences – but this doesn’t mean you can’t do what you like. You can. You always can.
3) It’s not so black and white
Also remember you can all probably have a good time together even if there is some discomfort. It’s good to remember that things are usually not so black and white. Even if there are some awkward moments, there will probably be some good moments too. The reality is that your feelings and experience change and so does everyone else’s, so most family get-togethers are a mixture. And yes, it is possible to live with unresolved problems and issues. (Again, this is reality. We’re all living with unresolved problems and issues.)
You don’t have to agree about everything. You can disagree on things and still have a good time. Agreement and love are two different things. You can love someone and disagree on lots of things. Again, look at the reality. Do you agree with everything the people you love think or say?
Have you noticed that you probably still love someone – even if you are sometimes mad at this person? That’s just the way it is.
4) Be good to you
Be extra kind to yourself when being with your family triggers you. If you feel bad, know that this is also okay. You have your issues and so does everyone else. It’s part of being a human being. So remember, things will probably work out better for you if you’re not so desperate about wanting things to work out well at family get-togethers – even if this is your preference. Just do the best you can and then LET IT BE!
Happy Holidays to you!
_____
About Barbara Berger
American-born Barbara Berger is the best-selling author of “The Road to Power – Fast Food for the Soul” (published in 30 languages), “Are You Happy Now? 10 Ways to Live a Happy Life” (published in 21 languages) and “The Awakening Human Being – A Guide to the Power of Mind”. Barbara's latest book is "Find and Follow Your Inner Compass – Instant Guidance in an Age of Information Overload". All her books are available on Amazon.com or on her Web site. Barbara also works as coach, helping people around the globe come into alignment with their own true power. For more about Barbara see her Web site:http://www.beamteam.com
So here are a few tips that can perhaps help you be a little more realistic (and relaxed) about meeting your family this year.
First of all, it’s a good idea to understand that the discomfort we often feel arises for many reasons. So let’s examine some of the reasons why this happens because this can give us a little more peace of mind. It’s good to remember that each individual lives in his/her own mental universe. This is a universal law. This also means there is no common experience even at family get-togethers. What one person experiences has nothing to do with what the other person or people experience. What I experience has nothing to do with what you experience. One person can think everything is just wonderful and be having a good time while the next person can be having quite a different experience. So remember, just because you think things went well, it doesn’t mean everyone else shares your experience. And vice versus, just because you feel unhappy or uncomfortable, it doesn’t mean everyone else felt the same way. This is because we can only experience our own thoughts, stories and interpretation of events. So there is no one common “family” experience but as many different experiences as there are people present. And we don’t (we can’t) experience what the other people are thinking or their stories about what’s going on – we can only experience what is in our own heads.
When you understand this, you can also see that since each person is living and experiencing his/her own mental universe, this must include not only his or her beliefs, thoughts and stories (programming) but also the healthy or unhealthy behavior that arises as a result of these beliefs and stories. Based on this understanding, here are some good things to remind yourself of before you meet the family.
1) It’s not your job to fix it
You are not responsible for what the other people in your family are feeling and experiencing. Remind yourself that everyone is feeling and experiencing what they are feeling and experiencing because of their own individual thoughts and beliefs. Their happiness or unhappiness is a result of their interpretation of what is going on. You can’t change this. You can’t prevent this from happening. This is universal law – an impersonal mechanism.
Also meeting the family often triggers each member’s issues. And again, you can’t prevent this from happening and you can’t change this. Nor are you to blame for this happening. This is also an impersonal universal mechanism.
And this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be respectful, kind, considerate, polite, and loving. Nor does it mean you shouldn’t have healthy boundaries, be treated with respect, learn to communicate clearly and set limits as to what is ok for you and what is not. But you are not responsible for other people’s happiness. Quite simply because you can’t get inside other people’s heads and control what they are thinking and feeling.
2) Mind your own business
If other people have problems or issues when the family gets together, then it’s their job to figure out how to deal with their problems. He or she can go to therapy, read books, and do whatever it takes to deal with their issues. It’s not your job. You can be supportive of other people, but you can’t fix them. Your job is to deal with your own issues. And this doesn’t mean you can’t say what you think. You can. And yes, all our words and actions have consequences – but this doesn’t mean you can’t do what you like. You can. You always can.
3) It’s not so black and white
Also remember you can all probably have a good time together even if there is some discomfort. It’s good to remember that things are usually not so black and white. Even if there are some awkward moments, there will probably be some good moments too. The reality is that your feelings and experience change and so does everyone else’s, so most family get-togethers are a mixture. And yes, it is possible to live with unresolved problems and issues. (Again, this is reality. We’re all living with unresolved problems and issues.)
You don’t have to agree about everything. You can disagree on things and still have a good time. Agreement and love are two different things. You can love someone and disagree on lots of things. Again, look at the reality. Do you agree with everything the people you love think or say?
Have you noticed that you probably still love someone – even if you are sometimes mad at this person? That’s just the way it is.
4) Be good to you
Be extra kind to yourself when being with your family triggers you. If you feel bad, know that this is also okay. You have your issues and so does everyone else. It’s part of being a human being. So remember, things will probably work out better for you if you’re not so desperate about wanting things to work out well at family get-togethers – even if this is your preference. Just do the best you can and then LET IT BE!
Happy Holidays to you!
_____
About Barbara Berger
American-born Barbara Berger is the best-selling author of “The Road to Power – Fast Food for the Soul” (published in 30 languages), “Are You Happy Now? 10 Ways to Live a Happy Life” (published in 21 languages) and “The Awakening Human Being – A Guide to the Power of Mind”. Barbara's latest book is "Find and Follow Your Inner Compass – Instant Guidance in an Age of Information Overload". All her books are available on Amazon.com or on her Web site. Barbara also works as coach, helping people around the globe come into alignment with their own true power. For more about Barbara see her Web site:http://www.beamteam.com
** Below are titles & links to the beautiful work from Barbara. She is a long time contributor and my
dear friend :**
dear friend :**
mysticlivingtoday.com – articles by Barbara Berger
The Ultimate Self-Empowerment Tool – Your Inner Compass
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2087
The Key to Happiness; Understanding the Way the Mind Works
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2113
Who would you be if you didn’t know your age?
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2147
The Power of Right Seeing
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2177
Review of Barbara Berger’s book Find and Follow Your Inner Compass by Riki Frahmann
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2184
Are You Here Now? Are You Happy Now?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2247
Discovering Who You Really Are
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2284
Getting in Touch with Your Heart
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2299
Follow Your Passion & Accept the Consequences
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2324
The Power of the Joyful Giver
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2359
You have nothing to deal with but your own thoughts
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2374
Radio show
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/starzcast/2018/09/26/natalie-interviews-barbara-berger--author-on-self-empowerment
Peace Is Your Nature
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2398
The Power of Contemplating Love
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2423
How Can We Serve?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2452
The Importance of Mind Management
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2472
Focus on the Real – A Way of Dealing with Worry and Catastrophic Thinking
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2499
Nothing External Can Disturb Us
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2527
Just Let Everything Be!
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2548
The Gift of Crisis
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2563
The Power of Asking for Help
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2592&fbclid=IwAR1ZK91thdusdkQTdqu0fHXgarR7Ghv7rmAjR6NypUUfLh2wv1ozLLi-HjU
What does it mean to be psychologically mature?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2625
The Meaning of Life
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2644
The Power of Praise & Blessing
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2682
Our Unalienable Rights
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2712
Meeting the Family & Keeping Your Peace of Mind
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2737
Healthy Boundaries – the Secret of Good Relationships
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2758
Healthy Parenting
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2777
Wanting What You Have
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2801
NOW IS THE TIME TO THINK POSITIVE
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2813
A Scientific Prayer to Lift Your Consciousness
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2828
Healthy Self Talk about the Body
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2850
Time Are Changing Aren’t They?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2881
Are You Following Your Inner Compass?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2904
What Happens When We Don't Listen to Our Inner Compass? https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2920
Your Right to Be You
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2961
Doing the Right Thing
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2992
Seeing Behind Impermanence
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3026
Opening Your Heart – A Prayer for the New Year
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3051
Welcome to the World of Starbrow and His Amazing Spiritual Adventures
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3050
Use This Simple, Effective Right Reaction Exercise to Tackle Stressful Moments
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3084
No Healing Without Feeling
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3102
Happiness Is an Inside Job
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3131
The Power of Joy and Laughter
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3158
Watch Out for Black and White Thinking!
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3173
The Power of Eating Less
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3217
Good Ways to Say No and Set Limits
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3242
Higher Consciousness and the Power of Nature
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3259
Gratitude for the Gift of Life
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3284
Do Not Be Bluffed by Your Body
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3297
What Is Spiritual Bypass?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3329
The Intention of Oneness
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3358
The Importance of Having a Daily Program
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3381
What Is Preventing You From Being Happy?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3417
Happiness Now
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3428
Staying Sane in Insane Times
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3462
The Power of the Choice-Maker
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3477
Understanding and Using Mental Technology
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3503
Cleaning Up Our Act About Money
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3516
No Comparisons (A Meditation or Contemplation)
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3538
Being Your Own Best Friend
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3573
The Power of Release
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3603
The Ultimate Self-Empowerment Tool – Your Inner Compass
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2087
The Key to Happiness; Understanding the Way the Mind Works
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2113
Who would you be if you didn’t know your age?
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2147
The Power of Right Seeing
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2177
Review of Barbara Berger’s book Find and Follow Your Inner Compass by Riki Frahmann
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2184
Are You Here Now? Are You Happy Now?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2247
Discovering Who You Really Are
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2284
Getting in Touch with Your Heart
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2299
Follow Your Passion & Accept the Consequences
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2324
The Power of the Joyful Giver
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2359
You have nothing to deal with but your own thoughts
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2374
Radio show
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/starzcast/2018/09/26/natalie-interviews-barbara-berger--author-on-self-empowerment
Peace Is Your Nature
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2398
The Power of Contemplating Love
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2423
How Can We Serve?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2452
The Importance of Mind Management
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2472
Focus on the Real – A Way of Dealing with Worry and Catastrophic Thinking
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2499
Nothing External Can Disturb Us
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2527
Just Let Everything Be!
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2548
The Gift of Crisis
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2563
The Power of Asking for Help
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2592&fbclid=IwAR1ZK91thdusdkQTdqu0fHXgarR7Ghv7rmAjR6NypUUfLh2wv1ozLLi-HjU
What does it mean to be psychologically mature?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2625
The Meaning of Life
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2644
The Power of Praise & Blessing
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2682
Our Unalienable Rights
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2712
Meeting the Family & Keeping Your Peace of Mind
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2737
Healthy Boundaries – the Secret of Good Relationships
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2758
Healthy Parenting
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2777
Wanting What You Have
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2801
NOW IS THE TIME TO THINK POSITIVE
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2813
A Scientific Prayer to Lift Your Consciousness
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2828
Healthy Self Talk about the Body
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2850
Time Are Changing Aren’t They?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2881
Are You Following Your Inner Compass?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2904
What Happens When We Don't Listen to Our Inner Compass? https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2920
Your Right to Be You
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2961
Doing the Right Thing
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2992
Seeing Behind Impermanence
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3026
Opening Your Heart – A Prayer for the New Year
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3051
Welcome to the World of Starbrow and His Amazing Spiritual Adventures
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3050
Use This Simple, Effective Right Reaction Exercise to Tackle Stressful Moments
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3084
No Healing Without Feeling
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3102
Happiness Is an Inside Job
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3131
The Power of Joy and Laughter
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3158
Watch Out for Black and White Thinking!
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3173
The Power of Eating Less
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3217
Good Ways to Say No and Set Limits
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3242
Higher Consciousness and the Power of Nature
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3259
Gratitude for the Gift of Life
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3284
Do Not Be Bluffed by Your Body
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3297
What Is Spiritual Bypass?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3329
The Intention of Oneness
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3358
The Importance of Having a Daily Program
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3381
What Is Preventing You From Being Happy?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3417
Happiness Now
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3428
Staying Sane in Insane Times
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3462
The Power of the Choice-Maker
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3477
Understanding and Using Mental Technology
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3503
Cleaning Up Our Act About Money
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3516
No Comparisons (A Meditation or Contemplation)
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3538
Being Your Own Best Friend
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3573
The Power of Release
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3603
