Meeting the Family and Keeping Your Peace of Mind

      

By Barbara Berger

Barbara Berger   Do you worry about meeting your family during the holiday season? Many people do even though they sincerely love their family. People are different, also in families – with different ideas, different opinions, different lifestyles – so meeting the family can be challenging for many of us. Since I work daily as a therapist, I have learned that many people actually dread family get-togethers even if they usually won’t admit it to family and friends. But to me, people often will admit how they really feel. So here are a few tips that can perhaps help you be a little more realistic (and relaxed) about meeting your family this year. First of all, it’s a good idea to understand that the discomfort we often feel arises for many reasons. So let’s examine some of the reasons why this happens because this can give us a little more peace of mind. It’s good to remember that each individual lives in his/her own mental universe. This is a universal law. This also means there is no common experience even at family get-togethers. What one person experiences has nothing to do with what the other person or people experience. What I experience has nothing to do with what you experience. One person can think everything is just wonderful and be having a good time while the next person can be having quite a different experience. So remember, just because you think things went well, it doesn’t mean everyone else shares your experience. And vice versus, just because you feel unhappy or uncomfortable, it doesn’t mean everyone else felt the same way. This is because we can only experience our own thoughts, stories and interpretation of events. So there is no one common “family” experience but as many different experiences as there are people present. And we don’t (we can’t) experience what the other people are thinking or their stories about what’s going on – we can only experience what is in our own heads. When you understand this, you can also see that since each person is living and experiencing his/her own mental universe, this must include not only his or her beliefs, thoughts and stories (programming) but also the healthy or unhealthy behavior that arises as a result of these beliefs and stories. Based on this understanding, here are some good things to remind yourself of before you meet the family. 1) It’s not your job to fix it You are not responsible for what the other people in your family are feeling and experiencing. Remind yourself that everyone is feeling and experiencing what they are feeling and experiencing because of their own individual thoughts and beliefs. Their happiness or unhappiness is a result of their interpretation of what is going on. You can’t change this. You can’t prevent this from happening. This is universal law – an impersonal mechanism. Also meeting the family often triggers each member’s issues. And again, you can’t prevent this from happening and you can’t change this. Nor are you to blame for this happening. This is also an impersonal universal mechanism. And this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be respectful, kind, considerate, polite, and loving. Nor does it mean you shouldn’t have healthy boundaries, be treated with respect, learn to communicate clearly and set limits as to what is ok for you and what is not. But you are not responsible for other people’s happiness. Quite simply because you can’t get inside other people’s heads and control what they are thinking and feeling. 2) Mind your own business If other people have problems or issues when the family gets together, then it’s their job to figure out how to deal with their problems. He or she can go to therapy, read books, and do whatever it takes to deal with their issues. It’s not your job. You can be supportive of other people, but you can’t fix them. Your job is to deal with your own issues. And this doesn’t mean you can’t say what you think. You can. And yes, all our words and actions have consequences – but this doesn’t mean you can’t do what you like. You can. You always can. 3) It’s not so black and white Also remember you can all probably have a good time together even if there is some discomfort. It’s good to remember that things are usually not so black and white. Even if there are some awkward moments, there will probably be some good moments too. The reality is that your feelings and experience change and so does everyone else’s, so most family get-togethers are a mixture. And yes, it is possible to live with unresolved problems and issues. (Again, this is reality. We’re all living with unresolved problems and issues.) You don’t have to agree about everything. You can disagree on things and still have a good time. Agreement and love are two different things. You can love someone and disagree on lots of things. Again, look at the reality. Do you agree with everything the people you love think or say? Have you noticed that you probably still love someone – even if you are sometimes mad at this person? That’s just the way it is. 4) Be good to you Be extra kind to yourself when being with your family triggers you. If you feel bad, know that this is also okay. You have your issues and so does everyone else. It’s part of being a human being. So remember, things will probably work out better for you if you’re not so desperate about wanting things to work out well at family get-togethers – even if this is your preference. Just do the best you can and then LET IT BE! Happy Holidays to you! _____ About Barbara Berger American-born Barbara Berger is the best-selling author of “The Road to Power – Fast Food for the Soul” (published in 30 languages), “Are You Happy Now? 10 Ways to Live a Happy Life” (published in 21 languages) and “The Awakening Human Being – A Guide to the Power of Mind”. Barbara's latest book is "Find and Follow Your Inner Compass – Instant Guidance in an Age of Information Overload". All her books are available on Amazon.com or on her Web site. Barbara also works as coach, helping people around the globe come into alignment with their own true power. For more about Barbara see her Web site:http://www.beamteam.com   ** Below are titles & links to the beautiful work from Barbara. She is a long time contributor and my dear friend :**   mysticlivingtoday.com – articles by Barbara Berger   The Ultimate Self-Empowerment Tool – Your Inner Compass http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2087    The Key to Happiness; Understanding the Way the Mind Works http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2113   Who would you be if you didn’t know your age? http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2147   The Power of Right Seeing http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2177   Review of Barbara Berger’s book Find and Follow Your Inner Compass by Riki Frahmann http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2184   Are You Here Now? Are You Happy Now? https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2247   Discovering Who You Really Are https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2284   Getting in Touch with Your Heart https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2299   Follow Your Passion & Accept the Consequences https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2324   The Power of the Joyful Giver https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2359   You have nothing to deal with but your own thoughts https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2374   Radio show http://www.blogtalkradio.com/starzcast/2018/09/26/natalie-interviews-barbara-berger--author-on-self-empowerment   Peace Is Your Nature https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2398   The Power of Contemplating Love https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2423   How Can We Serve? https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2452   The Importance of Mind Management https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2472   Focus on the Real – A Way of Dealing with Worry and Catastrophic Thinking https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2499   Nothing External Can Disturb Us https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2527   Just Let Everything Be! https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2548   The Gift of Crisis https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2563   The Power of Asking for Help https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2592&fbclid=IwAR1ZK91thdusdkQTdqu0fHXgarR7Ghv7rmAjR6NypUUfLh2wv1ozLLi-HjU   What does it mean to be psychologically mature? https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2625   The Meaning of Life https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2644   The Power of Praise & Blessing https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2682   Our Unalienable Rights https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2712   Meeting the Family & Keeping Your Peace of Mind https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2737   Healthy Boundaries – the Secret of Good Relationships https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2758   Healthy Parenting https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2777   Wanting What You Have https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2801   NOW IS THE TIME TO THINK POSITIVE https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2813   A Scientific Prayer to Lift Your Consciousness https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2828   Healthy Self Talk about the Body https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2850   Time Are Changing Aren’t They? https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2881   Are You Following Your Inner Compass? https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2904   What Happens When We Don't Listen to Our Inner Compass?   https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2920   Your Right to Be You https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2961   Doing the Right Thing https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2992   Seeing Behind Impermanence https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3026   Opening Your Heart – A Prayer for the New Year https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3051   Welcome to the World of Starbrow and His Amazing Spiritual Adventures https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3050   Use This Simple, Effective Right Reaction Exercise to Tackle Stressful Moments   https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3084   No Healing Without Feeling https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3102   Happiness Is an Inside Job https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3131   The Power of Joy and Laughter https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3158   Watch Out for Black and White Thinking! https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3173   The Power of Eating Less https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3217   Good Ways to Say No and Set Limits https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3242   Higher Consciousness and the Power of Nature https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3259   Gratitude for the Gift of Life https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3284   Do Not Be Bluffed by Your Body https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3297   What Is Spiritual Bypass? https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3329   The Intention of Oneness https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3358   The Importance of Having a Daily Program https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3381   What Is Preventing You From Being Happy? https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3417   Happiness Now https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3428   Staying Sane in Insane Times https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3462   The Power of the Choice-Maker https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3477   Understanding and Using Mental Technology https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3503   Cleaning Up Our Act About Money https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3516   No Comparisons (A Meditation or Contemplation) https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3538   Being Your Own Best Friend https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3573   The Power of Release https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3603