Are You Sure You’re Really Feeling Anger?

      

By Barbara Berger

Barbara Berger   Since we’re all so occupied with the wonderful world of relationships, I’d like to consider another one of the things we seem to find so hard to deal with in our relationships – and that’s anger, especially anger from women.    One of the things I’ve learned from working with clients is that many women are really afraid of anger. Anger is a big taboo, a big no-no for many women. Men can get angry, but if you’re a woman and you’re angry, it’s a sign that something’s wrong.    So if you’re a woman and someone accuses you of being angry… you’ll probably reply with something like, “What me angry? Never! I never get angry.”    Now why do we women react like that? (Instead of saying, “Yeah, you know what? I’m really angry about that.”)    Why do we bow our heads instead and say, “What me angry? Me? Never! Never!”    It’s probably because we’ve learned that anger is not ladylike, not feminine… but is that true? After sitting with so many women, I’m convinced most women are pretty confused about this issue. So let’s take a closer look at what’s going on.    First of all it’s good to remember that even though here in the West, we live in so-called free societies where men and women are considered equals, we all come from the same patriarchal background. And by that I mean, historically we all come from the same mental programming and mindset which basically says that men are the dominant figures and it’s the job of women to satisfy and serve them. And even though nobody today would admit to believing anything like that anymore, the reality is that that’s simply the way the world has been programming people for generations upon generations. So even if we’re all free and equal here in the West, I would question whether this is really true. I would question whether this longstanding programming has simply disappeared from the collective consciousness in the last 40 years. I would question whether it’s really true that we’re all free and equal in our minds!    Because if you sit listening to women’s stories everyday like I do, you will quickly see that this programming is still here, is still very much alive, and still going strong.    I say this because many of the women I see might be feeling what they would call “anger”, but they also often feel very uncomfortable about feeling this way. This is not hard to understand, especially when you look at things from a historical perspective. When you do that, it’s easy to see why so-called anger in women was not acceptable. (You might rock the boat.) And easy to understand why so-called anger wasn’t and still isn’t considered a feminine virtue. (You might rock the boat if you owned your own power and did what you want.)      So even today many women are still afraid of being called angry, still afraid of owning their own power, still of afraid of being called a “bitch” or not being feminine. Which in reality translates into being afraid to say no when people around them are actually stepping on their toes! And when I ask them why they’re so afraid of this feeling, these women often tell me they don’t want to get angry because they don’t want to behave like the person or people who are treating them badly! But is this true? Are they the same as the people (or person) who is stepping on their toes?    To answer this, we must look at the reality of what’s really going on. Is the energy a woman feels in a situation like this really anger? Or is this woman really just feeling her own innate inner power to defend herself? If you’ve ever been in a situation like this or felt like this, ask yourself – what were you really feeling when you felt like that? Was it anger? Or was it just that innate primordial urge we all have to take care of ourselves and defend ourselves when someone violates our boundaries? And if this urge felt like aggression, well was it? Is it aggression to want to take care of yourself? If you answer yes, I would question this belief. Because my answer would be no! No, it’s not aggression to want to defend yourself. In fact, I would say the energy is healthy because we’re talking about healthy self-defense. I would say it’s your natural right, your own inborn urge to take care of yourself, which is not the same as the aggression. True aggression is when someone violates another person’s boundaries – not when you are defending yourself.     So let’s be very clear about this. Aggression and aggressive anger is when you violate someone else’s boundaries and someone else’s right to be themselves and defend themselves and make decisions for themselves. That’s aggression. But it’s not aggression when you feel a powerful urge to defend yourself from someone else’s aggression. They are not the same. And cannot and should not be equated with one and other. It’s very important to be clear about this. Because the danger here is that if a woman feels violated and then feels that her natural urge to defend herself is “anger” (which she considers to be negative or inappropriate), she might not let the energy out and defend herself. Instead she might keep this innate power locked up inside. (In situations like this, women often cry instead because tears are the only legitimate way to let this energy out.)    So if you’re feeling like this. If you feel this pent-up energy inside and then cry instead of letting the energy out, I would look at what’s happening and then I would question first of all if what you are feeling can even be called “anger”. Are you sure you’re feeling anger? Are you sure you’re not just feeling a natural, healthy urge to defend yourself? Are you sure you aren’t just feeling your own inner power which wants to say, “Hey look, this isn’t ok with me,” or “Look I’ve had enough,” or just plain “No thank you!” And even if you say this urge feels so powerful that sometimes it feels like aggression, I’d still say it isn’t aggression as long as it’s the basic urge to take care of yourself when your boundaries are being violated.    So next time this happens, slow down at bit a take a closer look at what’s going on and ask yourself… is what I’m feeling really anger??? And if you still answer yes, well then I’d suggest there is a big difference between “appropriate anger” and “inappropriate anger”!!! It might be all in our definition of the word “anger”, but I’m convinced that a lot of many women’s anxiety about anger comes from our historical programming that it’s not ok to set limits and take care of ourselves.    (And of course, this doesn’t mean we can’t learn to express this inner power in skilful ways.)   About Barbara Berger American-born Barbara Berger is the best-selling author of “The Road to Power – Fast Food for the Soul” (published in 30 languages), “Are You Happy Now? 10 Ways to Live a Happy Life” (published in 21 languages), “The Awakening Human Being”,"Find and Follow Your Inner Compass” and “Healthy Models for Relationships – The Basic Principles Behind Good Relationships”.  Coming in May, Barbara’s autobiography “My Road to Power – Sex, Trauma & Higher Consciousness”. Barbara lives in Copenhagen, Denmark and works as coach and therapist, helping people around the globe come into alignment with their own true power. For more about Barbara see her Web site: http://www.beamteam.com ** Below are titles & links to the beautiful work from Barbara. She is a long time contributor and my dear friend :**   mysticlivingtoday.com – articles by Barbara Berger   The Ultimate Self-Empowerment Tool – Your Inner Compass http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2087    The Key to Happiness; Understanding the Way the Mind Works http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2113   Who would you be if you didn’t know your age? http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2147   The Power of Right Seeing http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2177   Review of Barbara Berger’s book Find and Follow Your Inner Compass by Riki Frahmann http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2184   Are You Here Now? Are You Happy Now? https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2247   Discovering Who You Really Are https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2284   Getting in Touch with Your Heart https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2299   Follow Your Passion & Accept the Consequences https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2324   The Power of the Joyful Giver https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2359   You have nothing to deal with but your own thoughts https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2374   Radio show http://www.blogtalkradio.com/starzcast/2018/09/26/natalie-interviews-barbara-berger--author-on-self-empowerment   Peace Is Your Nature https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2398   The Power of Contemplating Love https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2423   How Can We Serve? https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2452   The Importance of Mind Management https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2472   Focus on the Real – A Way of Dealing with Worry and Catastrophic Thinking https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2499   Nothing External Can Disturb Us https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2527   Just Let Everything Be! https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2548   The Gift of Crisis https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2563   The Power of Asking for Help https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2592&fbclid=IwAR1ZK91thdusdkQTdqu0fHXgarR7Ghv7rmAjR6NypUUfLh2wv1ozLLi-HjU   What does it mean to be psychologically mature? https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2625   The Meaning of Life https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2644   The Power of Praise & Blessing https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2682   Our Unalienable Rights https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2712   Meeting the Family & Keeping Your Peace of Mind https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2737   Healthy Boundaries – the Secret of Good Relationships https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2758   Healthy Parenting https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2777   Wanting What You Have https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2801   NOW IS THE TIME TO THINK POSITIVE https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2813   A Scientific Prayer to Lift Your Consciousness https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2828   Healthy Self Talk about the Body https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2850   Time Are Changing Aren’t They? https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2881   Are You Following Your Inner Compass? https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2904   What Happens When We Don't Listen to Our Inner Compass?   https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2920   Your Right to Be You https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2961   Doing the Right Thing https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2992   Seeing Behind Impermanence https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3026   Opening Your Heart – A Prayer for the New Year https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3051   Welcome to the World of Starbrow and His Amazing Spiritual Adventures https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3050   Use This Simple, Effective Right Reaction Exercise to Tackle Stressful Moments   https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3084   No Healing Without Feeling https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3102   Happiness Is an Inside Job https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3131   The Power of Joy and Laughter https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3158   Watch Out for Black and White Thinking! https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3173   The Power of Eating Less https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3217   Good Ways to Say No and Set Limits https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3242   Higher Consciousness and the Power of Nature https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3259   Gratitude for the Gift of Life https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3284   Do Not Be Bluffed by Your Body https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3297   What Is Spiritual Bypass? https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3329   The Intention of Oneness https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3358   The Importance of Having a Daily Program https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3381   What Is Preventing You From Being Happy? https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3417   Happiness Now https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3428   Staying Sane in Insane Times https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3462   The Power of the Choice-Maker https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3477   Understanding and Using Mental Technology https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3503   Cleaning Up Our Act About Money https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3516   No Comparisons (A Meditation or Contemplation) https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3538   Being Your Own Best Friend https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3573   The Power of Release https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3603 Meeting the Family & Keeping Your Peace of Mind https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3636   Freedom for Ukraine! https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3653   LET US JOIN TOGETHER FOR 10 MINUTES HEALING MEDITATION EVERY DAY https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3675   Finding the Gandhi Within https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3706