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Barbara Berger
Since we’re all so occupied with the wonderful world of relationships, I’d like to consider another one of the things we seem to find so hard to deal with in our relationships – and that’s anger, especially anger from women.
One of the things I’ve learned from working with clients is that many women are really afraid of anger. Anger is a big taboo, a big no-no for many women. Men can get angry, but if you’re a woman and you’re angry, it’s a sign that something’s wrong.
So if you’re a woman and someone accuses you of being angry… you’ll probably reply with something like, “What me angry? Never! I never get angry.”
Now why do we women react like that? (Instead of saying, “Yeah, you know what? I’m really angry about that.”)
Why do we bow our heads instead and say, “What me angry? Me? Never! Never!”
It’s probably because we’ve learned that anger is not ladylike, not feminine… but is that true? After sitting with so many women, I’m convinced most women are pretty confused about this issue. So let’s take a closer look at what’s going on.
First of all it’s good to remember that even though here in the West, we live in so-called free societies where men and women are considered equals, we all come from the same patriarchal background. And by that I mean, historically we all come from the same mental programming and mindset which basically says that men are the dominant figures and it’s the job of women to satisfy and serve them. And even though nobody today would admit to believing anything like that anymore, the reality is that that’s simply the way the world has been programming people for generations upon generations. So even if we’re all free and equal here in the West, I would question whether this is really true. I would question whether this longstanding programming has simply disappeared from the collective consciousness in the last 40 years. I would question whether it’s really true that we’re all free and equal in our minds!
Because if you sit listening to women’s stories everyday like I do, you will quickly see that this programming is still here, is still very much alive, and still going strong.
I say this because many of the women I see might be feeling what they would call “anger”, but they also often feel very uncomfortable about feeling this way. This is not hard to understand, especially when you look at things from a historical perspective. When you do that, it’s easy to see why so-called anger in women was not acceptable. (You might rock the boat.) And easy to understand why so-called anger wasn’t and still isn’t considered a feminine virtue. (You might rock the boat if you owned your own power and did what you want.)
So even today many women are still afraid of being called angry, still afraid of owning their own power, still of afraid of being called a “bitch” or not being feminine. Which in reality translates into being afraid to say no when people around them are actually stepping on their toes! And when I ask them why they’re so afraid of this feeling, these women often tell me they don’t want to get angry because they don’t want to behave like the person or people who are treating them badly! But is this true? Are they the same as the people (or person) who is stepping on their toes?
To answer this, we must look at the reality of what’s really going on. Is the energy a woman feels in a situation like this really anger? Or is this woman really just feeling her own innate inner power to defend herself? If you’ve ever been in a situation like this or felt like this, ask yourself – what were you really feeling when you felt like that? Was it anger? Or was it just that innate primordial urge we all have to take care of ourselves and defend ourselves when someone violates our boundaries? And if this urge felt like aggression, well was it? Is it aggression to want to take care of yourself? If you answer yes, I would question this belief. Because my answer would be no! No, it’s not aggression to want to defend yourself. In fact, I would say the energy is healthy because we’re talking about healthy self-defense. I would say it’s your natural right, your own inborn urge to take care of yourself, which is not the same as the aggression. True aggression is when someone violates another person’s boundaries – not when you are defending yourself.
So let’s be very clear about this. Aggression and aggressive anger is when you violate someone else’s boundaries and someone else’s right to be themselves and defend themselves and make decisions for themselves. That’s aggression. But it’s not aggression when you feel a powerful urge to defend yourself from someone else’s aggression. They are not the same. And cannot and should not be equated with one and other. It’s very important to be clear about this. Because the danger here is that if a woman feels violated and then feels that her natural urge to defend herself is “anger” (which she considers to be negative or inappropriate), she might not let the energy out and defend herself. Instead she might keep this innate power locked up inside. (In situations like this, women often cry instead because tears are the only legitimate way to let this energy out.)
So if you’re feeling like this. If you feel this pent-up energy inside and then cry instead of letting the energy out, I would look at what’s happening and then I would question first of all if what you are feeling can even be called “anger”. Are you sure you’re feeling anger? Are you sure you’re not just feeling a natural, healthy urge to defend yourself? Are you sure you aren’t just feeling your own inner power which wants to say, “Hey look, this isn’t ok with me,” or “Look I’ve had enough,” or just plain “No thank you!” And even if you say this urge feels so powerful that sometimes it feels like aggression, I’d still say it isn’t aggression as long as it’s the basic urge to take care of yourself when your boundaries are being violated.
So next time this happens, slow down at bit a take a closer look at what’s going on and ask yourself… is what I’m feeling really anger??? And if you still answer yes, well then I’d suggest there is a big difference between “appropriate anger” and “inappropriate anger”!!! It might be all in our definition of the word “anger”, but I’m convinced that a lot of many women’s anxiety about anger comes from our historical programming that it’s not ok to set limits and take care of ourselves.
(And of course, this doesn’t mean we can’t learn to express this inner power in skilful ways.)
About Barbara Berger
American-born Barbara Berger is the best-selling author of “The Road to Power – Fast Food for the Soul” (published in 30 languages), “Are You Happy Now? 10 Ways to Live a Happy Life” (published in 21 languages), “The Awakening Human Being”,"Find and Follow Your Inner Compass” and “Healthy Models for Relationships – The Basic Principles Behind Good Relationships”. Coming in May, Barbara’s autobiography “My Road to Power – Sex, Trauma & Higher Consciousness”. Barbara lives in Copenhagen, Denmark and works as coach and therapist, helping people around the globe come into alignment with their own true power. For more about Barbara see her Web site: http://www.beamteam.com
** Below are titles & links to the beautiful work from Barbara. She is a long time contributor and my dear friend :**
mysticlivingtoday.com – articles by Barbara Berger
The Ultimate Self-Empowerment Tool – Your Inner Compass
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2087
The Key to Happiness; Understanding the Way the Mind Works
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2113
Who would you be if you didn’t know your age?
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2147
The Power of Right Seeing
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2177
Review of Barbara Berger’s book Find and Follow Your Inner Compass by Riki Frahmann
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2184
Are You Here Now? Are You Happy Now?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2247
Discovering Who You Really Are
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2284
Getting in Touch with Your Heart
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2299
Follow Your Passion & Accept the Consequences
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2324
The Power of the Joyful Giver
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2359
You have nothing to deal with but your own thoughts
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2374
Radio show
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/starzcast/2018/09/26/natalie-interviews-barbara-berger--author-on-self-empowerment
Peace Is Your Nature
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2398
The Power of Contemplating Love
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2423
How Can We Serve?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2452
The Importance of Mind Management
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2472
Focus on the Real – A Way of Dealing with Worry and Catastrophic Thinking
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2499
Nothing External Can Disturb Us
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2527
Just Let Everything Be!
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2548
The Gift of Crisis
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2563
The Power of Asking for Help
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2592&fbclid=IwAR1ZK91thdusdkQTdqu0fHXgarR7Ghv7rmAjR6NypUUfLh2wv1ozLLi-HjU
What does it mean to be psychologically mature?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2625
The Meaning of Life
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2644
The Power of Praise & Blessing
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2682
Our Unalienable Rights
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2712
Meeting the Family & Keeping Your Peace of Mind
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2737
Healthy Boundaries – the Secret of Good Relationships
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2758
Healthy Parenting
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2777
Wanting What You Have
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2801
NOW IS THE TIME TO THINK POSITIVE
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2813
A Scientific Prayer to Lift Your Consciousness
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2828
Healthy Self Talk about the Body
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2850
Time Are Changing Aren’t They?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2881
Are You Following Your Inner Compass?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2904
What Happens When We Don't Listen to Our Inner Compass?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2920
Your Right to Be You
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2961
Doing the Right Thing
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2992
Seeing Behind Impermanence
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3026
Opening Your Heart – A Prayer for the New Year
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3051
Welcome to the World of Starbrow and His Amazing Spiritual Adventures
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3050
Use This Simple, Effective Right Reaction Exercise to Tackle Stressful Moments
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3084
No Healing Without Feeling
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3102
Happiness Is an Inside Job
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3131
The Power of Joy and Laughter
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3158
Watch Out for Black and White Thinking!
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3173
The Power of Eating Less
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3217
Good Ways to Say No and Set Limits
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3242
Higher Consciousness and the Power of Nature
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3259
Gratitude for the Gift of Life
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3284
Do Not Be Bluffed by Your Body
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3297
What Is Spiritual Bypass?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3329
The Intention of Oneness
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3358
The Importance of Having a Daily Program
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3381
What Is Preventing You From Being Happy?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3417
Happiness Now
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3428
Staying Sane in Insane Times
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3462
The Power of the Choice-Maker
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3477
Understanding and Using Mental Technology
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3503
Cleaning Up Our Act About Money
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3516
No Comparisons (A Meditation or Contemplation)
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3538
Being Your Own Best Friend
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3573
The Power of Release
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3603
Meeting the Family & Keeping Your Peace of Mind
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3636
Freedom for Ukraine!
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3653
LET US JOIN TOGETHER FOR 10 MINUTES HEALING MEDITATION EVERY DAY
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3675
Finding the Gandhi Within
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3706
One of the things I’ve learned from working with clients is that many women are really afraid of anger. Anger is a big taboo, a big no-no for many women. Men can get angry, but if you’re a woman and you’re angry, it’s a sign that something’s wrong.
So if you’re a woman and someone accuses you of being angry… you’ll probably reply with something like, “What me angry? Never! I never get angry.”
Now why do we women react like that? (Instead of saying, “Yeah, you know what? I’m really angry about that.”)
Why do we bow our heads instead and say, “What me angry? Me? Never! Never!”
It’s probably because we’ve learned that anger is not ladylike, not feminine… but is that true? After sitting with so many women, I’m convinced most women are pretty confused about this issue. So let’s take a closer look at what’s going on.
First of all it’s good to remember that even though here in the West, we live in so-called free societies where men and women are considered equals, we all come from the same patriarchal background. And by that I mean, historically we all come from the same mental programming and mindset which basically says that men are the dominant figures and it’s the job of women to satisfy and serve them. And even though nobody today would admit to believing anything like that anymore, the reality is that that’s simply the way the world has been programming people for generations upon generations. So even if we’re all free and equal here in the West, I would question whether this is really true. I would question whether this longstanding programming has simply disappeared from the collective consciousness in the last 40 years. I would question whether it’s really true that we’re all free and equal in our minds!
Because if you sit listening to women’s stories everyday like I do, you will quickly see that this programming is still here, is still very much alive, and still going strong.
I say this because many of the women I see might be feeling what they would call “anger”, but they also often feel very uncomfortable about feeling this way. This is not hard to understand, especially when you look at things from a historical perspective. When you do that, it’s easy to see why so-called anger in women was not acceptable. (You might rock the boat.) And easy to understand why so-called anger wasn’t and still isn’t considered a feminine virtue. (You might rock the boat if you owned your own power and did what you want.)
So even today many women are still afraid of being called angry, still afraid of owning their own power, still of afraid of being called a “bitch” or not being feminine. Which in reality translates into being afraid to say no when people around them are actually stepping on their toes! And when I ask them why they’re so afraid of this feeling, these women often tell me they don’t want to get angry because they don’t want to behave like the person or people who are treating them badly! But is this true? Are they the same as the people (or person) who is stepping on their toes?
To answer this, we must look at the reality of what’s really going on. Is the energy a woman feels in a situation like this really anger? Or is this woman really just feeling her own innate inner power to defend herself? If you’ve ever been in a situation like this or felt like this, ask yourself – what were you really feeling when you felt like that? Was it anger? Or was it just that innate primordial urge we all have to take care of ourselves and defend ourselves when someone violates our boundaries? And if this urge felt like aggression, well was it? Is it aggression to want to take care of yourself? If you answer yes, I would question this belief. Because my answer would be no! No, it’s not aggression to want to defend yourself. In fact, I would say the energy is healthy because we’re talking about healthy self-defense. I would say it’s your natural right, your own inborn urge to take care of yourself, which is not the same as the aggression. True aggression is when someone violates another person’s boundaries – not when you are defending yourself.
So let’s be very clear about this. Aggression and aggressive anger is when you violate someone else’s boundaries and someone else’s right to be themselves and defend themselves and make decisions for themselves. That’s aggression. But it’s not aggression when you feel a powerful urge to defend yourself from someone else’s aggression. They are not the same. And cannot and should not be equated with one and other. It’s very important to be clear about this. Because the danger here is that if a woman feels violated and then feels that her natural urge to defend herself is “anger” (which she considers to be negative or inappropriate), she might not let the energy out and defend herself. Instead she might keep this innate power locked up inside. (In situations like this, women often cry instead because tears are the only legitimate way to let this energy out.)
So if you’re feeling like this. If you feel this pent-up energy inside and then cry instead of letting the energy out, I would look at what’s happening and then I would question first of all if what you are feeling can even be called “anger”. Are you sure you’re feeling anger? Are you sure you’re not just feeling a natural, healthy urge to defend yourself? Are you sure you aren’t just feeling your own inner power which wants to say, “Hey look, this isn’t ok with me,” or “Look I’ve had enough,” or just plain “No thank you!” And even if you say this urge feels so powerful that sometimes it feels like aggression, I’d still say it isn’t aggression as long as it’s the basic urge to take care of yourself when your boundaries are being violated.
So next time this happens, slow down at bit a take a closer look at what’s going on and ask yourself… is what I’m feeling really anger??? And if you still answer yes, well then I’d suggest there is a big difference between “appropriate anger” and “inappropriate anger”!!! It might be all in our definition of the word “anger”, but I’m convinced that a lot of many women’s anxiety about anger comes from our historical programming that it’s not ok to set limits and take care of ourselves.
(And of course, this doesn’t mean we can’t learn to express this inner power in skilful ways.)
About Barbara Berger
American-born Barbara Berger is the best-selling author of “The Road to Power – Fast Food for the Soul” (published in 30 languages), “Are You Happy Now? 10 Ways to Live a Happy Life” (published in 21 languages), “The Awakening Human Being”,"Find and Follow Your Inner Compass” and “Healthy Models for Relationships – The Basic Principles Behind Good Relationships”. Coming in May, Barbara’s autobiography “My Road to Power – Sex, Trauma & Higher Consciousness”. Barbara lives in Copenhagen, Denmark and works as coach and therapist, helping people around the globe come into alignment with their own true power. For more about Barbara see her Web site: http://www.beamteam.com
** Below are titles & links to the beautiful work from Barbara. She is a long time contributor and my dear friend :**
mysticlivingtoday.com – articles by Barbara Berger
The Ultimate Self-Empowerment Tool – Your Inner Compass
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2087
The Key to Happiness; Understanding the Way the Mind Works
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2113
Who would you be if you didn’t know your age?
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2147
The Power of Right Seeing
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2177
Review of Barbara Berger’s book Find and Follow Your Inner Compass by Riki Frahmann
http://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2184
Are You Here Now? Are You Happy Now?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2247
Discovering Who You Really Are
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2284
Getting in Touch with Your Heart
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2299
Follow Your Passion & Accept the Consequences
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2324
The Power of the Joyful Giver
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2359
You have nothing to deal with but your own thoughts
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2374
Radio show
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/starzcast/2018/09/26/natalie-interviews-barbara-berger--author-on-self-empowerment
Peace Is Your Nature
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2398
The Power of Contemplating Love
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2423
How Can We Serve?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2452
The Importance of Mind Management
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2472
Focus on the Real – A Way of Dealing with Worry and Catastrophic Thinking
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2499
Nothing External Can Disturb Us
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2527
Just Let Everything Be!
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2548
The Gift of Crisis
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2563
The Power of Asking for Help
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2592&fbclid=IwAR1ZK91thdusdkQTdqu0fHXgarR7Ghv7rmAjR6NypUUfLh2wv1ozLLi-HjU
What does it mean to be psychologically mature?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2625
The Meaning of Life
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2644
The Power of Praise & Blessing
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2682
Our Unalienable Rights
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2712
Meeting the Family & Keeping Your Peace of Mind
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2737
Healthy Boundaries – the Secret of Good Relationships
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2758
Healthy Parenting
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2777
Wanting What You Have
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2801
NOW IS THE TIME TO THINK POSITIVE
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2813
A Scientific Prayer to Lift Your Consciousness
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2828
Healthy Self Talk about the Body
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2850
Time Are Changing Aren’t They?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2881
Are You Following Your Inner Compass?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2904
What Happens When We Don't Listen to Our Inner Compass?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2920
Your Right to Be You
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2961
Doing the Right Thing
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=2992
Seeing Behind Impermanence
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3026
Opening Your Heart – A Prayer for the New Year
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3051
Welcome to the World of Starbrow and His Amazing Spiritual Adventures
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3050
Use This Simple, Effective Right Reaction Exercise to Tackle Stressful Moments
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3084
No Healing Without Feeling
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3102
Happiness Is an Inside Job
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3131
The Power of Joy and Laughter
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3158
Watch Out for Black and White Thinking!
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3173
The Power of Eating Less
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3217
Good Ways to Say No and Set Limits
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3242
Higher Consciousness and the Power of Nature
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3259
Gratitude for the Gift of Life
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3284
Do Not Be Bluffed by Your Body
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3297
What Is Spiritual Bypass?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3329
The Intention of Oneness
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3358
The Importance of Having a Daily Program
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3381
What Is Preventing You From Being Happy?
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3417
Happiness Now
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3428
Staying Sane in Insane Times
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3462
The Power of the Choice-Maker
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3477
Understanding and Using Mental Technology
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3503
Cleaning Up Our Act About Money
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3516
No Comparisons (A Meditation or Contemplation)
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3538
Being Your Own Best Friend
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3573
The Power of Release
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3603
Meeting the Family & Keeping Your Peace of Mind
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3636
Freedom for Ukraine!
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3653
LET US JOIN TOGETHER FOR 10 MINUTES HEALING MEDITATION EVERY DAY
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3675
Finding the Gandhi Within
https://mysticlivingtoday.com/view_page.php?ID=3706
